Monday, July 2, 2012

Not A Happy Post

     As the title says, this is not a happy post. If you want funny or happy, you'll have to wait until a later post and I apologize for that. I also apologize for posting so late. I thought all of Monday was Sunday and now, at 12:54 in the morning on Tuesday, I realize that I haven't posted.

     I have had a lot on my mind lately and it's not really an excuse for being a crappy blogger, but it kind of is, when I try to keep things funny. I haven't felt very funny lately, except for random spurts that only last a few minutes and I never think to take the time to write up a post for you guys.

     For my older readers, you may be wondering why I haven't mentioned Boss Lady, Boss Man, or the kids lately. For my newer readers, you may be wondering who they are. I work as a full time babysitter of three kids: The Oldest, The Middle Child, and The Youngest.

     Or at least, I thought I worked for them full time.

     You see, last month, on the Thursday before Memorial Weekend, I stepped on a nail and tore my foot open. It hurt like a bitch and I ended up gushing blood from my foot. I worked again that Saturday and I was told, "Hey, Boss Lady's Mom is coming for the week so we're may not need you. We'll text and let you know."

     On the tenth, I got a text from Boss Man saying, "Hey, sorry, Boss Lady was supposed to text you but (as usual) she forgot. Her mom wants to watch the kids tomorrow and we'll let you know how it goes for if we'll need you for the rest of the week. Have a good night!"

     This is the last time I have heard from them.

     I have not gotten a text, a phone call, an email (not that they have my email address), or a fucking letter (not that they have my address?). They never let me know how things went but I assumed things went fine since they really suck at updating me on when I'm going to work and stuff.

     At this point, I can only assume that this is some new low bitchy move at firing me. That's what happened when I babysat for some other lady. She got her mom to do it for free and I was out of all the money I was trying to save for a car (which ended up going to other shit anyways, but that's besides the point).

     So, here I am, sitting on my mom's couch with roughly three months until my 19th birthday, watching as all my friends grow up and get ready to go to college. My house is next door but I have no money to even pay my own phone bill (which, is only $25 a month, because I'm on a family plan so I only pay for the cost of my added phone) because all of my money ($1000+) and borrowed money (I don't even want to KNOW how much) has gone into fixing up my house which has broken windows, no electric, and no furniture.

     Think that's pretty bad? I ain't done yet.

     Not only did they totally fuck me over, when I could have been using the time to look for a job (since, I can only assume they don't need me anymore), but I have very little chance at finding a job. I'm 18 without a diploma (that's a whole other post), without any "real job" experience (because apparently watching 3+ kids, giving them first aid, cooking, and even cleaning the house doesn't count as anything?), and without my own license.

     Here's the kicker.

     I got my permit last week. (Due to the school shit, I was barely allowed to even get that because where I live is full of fucktards who think you should be able to own a shotgun, work, and graduate at 18 but not have your own bank account, a grown-up doctor, or legal signature until you're 19.)

     That means I should be able to legally drive alone within a few months (my goal is my birthday) so when my mom is driving me around to get applications until I can drive the crazy ass busy roads without throwing up (every single road around us is known for the violent crashes that result in death half the time), I get to look like a child who may not have a ride, with makes me look unreliable.

     So, I'm pretty fucked.

     Not only is this a beyond stressful situation that I don't know how to handle, but it's causing me worse issues. I've mentioned before how I've suffered from depression. Here's the thing about depression, it doesn't just go away. It takes a lot of time and work to be able to overcome it and there are still some days, I don't want to get out of bed and I just want to cry myself to sleep.

     With all the stress and the sudden loss of recently gained independence (and even losing the kids, because when you know them, you fall in love with them), it's starting to put me back into that place more than once in a while. Every night this week, I've wanted to cry until I fall asleep. During the day, when I can occupy myself, it's usually not to bad and I can even be happy. But then night rolls around, things calm down, and all of my thoughts are focused on, "What in the world am I going to do now? I'm back to square one but upwards of $2000 less."

     It's not a good feeling to have.

     And it's an even worse feeling to have, knowing that nobody is going to want to hire you because you screwed up something that you don't have the ability to fix, even though you regret it every single day.

     I know you guys expect happy stories or funny "What will Rachel's mom do next?" or silly "I wonder if Sissi and Rachel are going to creep on each other?" posts. I really wish I could give you guys that, but right now, I've just got nothing. It's hard enough keeping my head up and hoping I'll find a job within the next few weeks. I'm not going to stop posting, but I'm not sure how funny anything is going to be for a while.

     But if you read this, even though it's not a happy post, I want to thank you.

P.S. I actually did great on my permit test. There were 30 questions and the most you could miss was 6. They let me stop at question 27 because I only missed 3.

P.S. #2 I still have a hole in my foot from the nail. Every time it begins to heal, I reopen it.


  1. I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now!

    Have you thought of calling the parents and asking them what is going on? I know that isn't easy, but then you would know for sure either way, and also show them that you are serious about working for them.

    I was a nanny for 12 years (three different families over that time). One thing I found is that you can't let the families take you for granted. They need to see you as a professional, not someone at their beck and call.

    Once you have your driver's license, you should see if there are any nanny agencies in your area. That is how I got my positions, they placed me with families. The pay is normally a lot better when you go that route.

    I hope something turns around for you here pretty quickly. I will be thinking positive thoughts for you!

    1. I think you have to have a diploma to work for a nanny agency, but it is something to look in to. I'm also looking at daycares to apply to, as well as other jobs (just as being a waitress) even though I'd rather work with kids.

      They never even answered my calls or texts when I was positive that I was still working for them.

  2. I'm so sorry things are dark right now. :( I had a similar experience earlier this year when one of the kids I tutor just...stopped coming. No phone call, no text, nothing. It really makes you feel like crap, doesn't it. :( I hope things turn around for you soon.

    1. Thanks Stephanie. It really sucks and it's not easy to go through like, "Wow, okay, thanks for totally ditching me with no warning like I'm trash or something". I'm sure things will turn around, but it's not easy to wait for.

  3. I was already planning on giving you this award, but now am even happier to do it, because you are great...go check it out at my blog.

    1. Thank you so much. This actually made me tear up, in a good way.

  4. So, this is the first post of yours I've read, just stopped over from Kianwi's blog. Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear of your stresses. I think most of us have been there at one time or another. Feeling like there's no way out of our hole. This sounds so horribly trite but things really will get better eventually. It's rarely as fast as we want/need them to but they do get better. Hang in there.

    P.S. People are assholes.

    1. Thank you Vixen, both for your comment and for stopping by. What you said could not sum it up better. It's like being stuck in a hole with no way out.

      P.S. Yes, yes they are. But you are very sweet.