Sunday, August 26, 2012

I Can't Make This Up

     No, really, I'm not creative to make up all the shit that happened Saturday. I wish I were, but I don't think ya'll are even going to believe me. I should have gotten more evidence pictures but a lot of it happened so fast, that I didn't even think about it until after the fact. I did think about tweeting about it though, so that's all the evidence I really have. You're just going to have to take my word for it because, really, I can't make up shit like this.

     It actually started Friday night/Saturday morning. Sis was having issues so Brother and I stayed up to talk to her. Well, I stayed up. Brother is an insomniac so his sleeping schedule is even worse than mine so he was going to be awake anyways. But we took care of the issue and then I was like, "Well shit. It's 4:30 in the morning and I have to be up at 9:00. I'm so smart."

It really was 4:30, not 3:30. I don't know why the times are off.

     Then when I woke up, it was about 8:50. Thursday night, I had a dream that my dad took me back to a science museum that some guy who looked like Voldemort worked at because he had to pick something up. Friday night, I dreamed that I went to the gas station to buy a giant bottle of water and then I lost it. So I woke up ten minutes early, to find that Momma wasn't even near ready so I ended up staying in bed (but not getting to sleep) for about an hour. So we were late even though I was up early.

It was 10:53, not 9:53. I wrote it while I was waiting on my hair to dry some.

     I got up and brushed my teeth. I took a shower. I cleaned up the bathroom after my shower. I put a the stuff I was given into my hair and it ended up really fucking big and curly (think 1980's). I did my make up. You probably stopped reading. And we had to find a place to put The Stud Dog because he has a habit of pissing every where when I leave him and that's gross.

     We ended up calling somebody and dropping the puppy off at his house. That's right; the dog needs a babysitter. Kind of pathetic but he wants constant human contact. When he was a little baby, he got deathly ill and was hand fed for a few weeks until he was healthy again, but nobody let him out of their sight so he freaks out without somebody there.

     Then we got in the car and while I was painting my nails (hey, she was driving, not me), I noticed that the car was yellow from pollen. So I was like, "Hey Momma, the car is yellow. We should probably go the the car wash." Nothing exciting happened at the car wash, except that I had a pretty good question.

     "How and when do they clean the cloth things that hit your car? Do they just change them out or expect the soap and water from the car wash to just keep them clean? Wouldn't it get moldy if they did that?"

     Momma didn't have an answer and could only hope that they cleaned them, but Jan Brady was all sparkly and clean afterwards so I guess it doesn't matter. Then I started using the GPS on my phone to figure out how to get to the Apple Store because her phone hasn't been working properly (she took an entirely different route than the three suggested).

     While sitting at a stop light, Momma suddenly yelled, "LOOK. A BUM." and pointed at a guy sitting on the sidewalk. I looked at him, back at Mom, and then back at him. Then I realized something. "OHMYGOSH HE LOOKS LIKE PAWPAW." While I was freaking out that my dad's dad has an identical twin who appeared to be homeless, Mom dared me to take a picture to prove it to you guys because I didn't think anyone would believe me. But of course, you don't know what Pawpaw looks like to compare it, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

I have never felt so creepy in my life. I didn't even know how to tell you.
     Then we went to the giant outdoor mall that has the Apple Store. It has a fucking carousal and a boat rental place for the damn river around it. That is how big that mall is. It's in "rich folk land", as I call it. Because people who don't have limos with personal drivers can't afford to go shopping there.

     We literally had to park on one end of the mall and walk all the way to the other end. While we were walking, Momma made a references to an incredibly rude and offensive comment that she made earlier (which I can't share because I might get sued) so I kind of smacked at her stomach... but I was laughing because I'm a terrible person.

     So this tiny little old lady who was like half my size walked up to me and said, "Do you need some help?" while looking at my mom... and making a fist at me. She threatened to punch me. A little old lady fucking threatened to punch me. Her old lady friends pulled her away in one direction and Momma and I went in the other direction.

     I was still in disbelief when we got to the Apple Store and we were greeted by a dude at the door who said they didn't have any available appointments until after three, but we couldn't wait around that long. Um, that explains why three managers were gathered around in a little circle and whispering (except when they told him that there was no time for us) to each other instead of helping us out?

Again, it was 1:24 and not 12:24. I need to get the time thingy fixed.
Also, I wrote this at lunch.
     We were both really hungry by that point so we decided that we would go back the way we had come to a nice looking restaurant. It wasn't bistro-y, but it was really nice. But I wasn't the only one in a t-shirt and shorts so it's not like I was the most obvious person in the room.

     A girl came over to take our order and I was like, "Huh, she looks really familiar". Then she said her name and I was like "Oh my gosh, did I go to sixth grade with her? Is that her? What the fuck is happening?" The girl I went to school with (whether it was her or not) fucking HATED me and to this day, I have no idea why.

It was 1:30... And like I said, I sent the other Tweet at lunch too, so that's why it's 6 minutes apart.
     I kept looking over at a table about fifteen feet away because the guy there looked really familiar too, but I could only see him from the side so I couldn't place him. We ordered our food and started eating. I made a joke that since the lemon seeds fell out of the lemon and into my water, I would probably end up swallowing them. Two came through the straw and the third got stuck. The poor waitress kept showing up when I was spitting out the lemon seeds so I wouldn't actually swallow them. Then the guy from the table walked by us and Mom realized something.

It was 1:42 and Mom thought it was a funny Tweet but said it should have been "FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK" and was sad when I explained the limited characters.
     Back when I was still blond (about two/two and a half years ago), we had a neighbor who was fucking obsessed with Momma. He called her all the time. He was always coming over. He kept asking her out and was waaaaaaaay too fucking handsy (and nearly lost his hands a few times because of it). He also made not-so-vague references to hooking up security equipment to spying on her. But without proof, we couldn't call the cops.

     When he moved for his job, he was supposed to have moved out of state. I took a fucking video on my old phone and we watched it over and over and actually celebrated that night because he was gone. Seriously. That is how excited we were that he moved.

     But he was having lunch with some guy (who I think was his boss?) fifteen feet away from us and had yet to notice us. I went to the bathroom and ran back so Mom wouldn't be left alone. While trying to dive into the booth without being noticed, I banged my knee on the table. Everyone except Stalker-Face looked. By some weird miracle.

     While we were eating, Mom's back was facing him but he could have looked and seen me. So I kept my attention focused on him the entire time because I didn't want him to recognize me (even though I've dyed my hair, started wearing different make-up, and am now wearing glasses because I still don't look THAT different). At one point, he randomly spun around to look and I ducked my head so all he could see was black hair (that looked less 80's and much calmer). When I looked up, he was looking away again.

     We asked for the ticket and Mom just threw the money into the thing and handed it to the waitress who may or may not have been the girl who hated my guts seven years ago. She explained, "The money is in there and any change is for you. We're going to run because my old tenant is here and he was kind of my stalker and we don't want to see him."

     Poor girl. I thought she was going to have a stroke or something. She nodded, wished us luck and told us to stay safe. Then we sped-walked away until we were out of sight (while I heard him turning down dessert). We went to the first door we saw but it was for the patio. Everyone in a ten foot radius turned to stare as Mom exclaimed, "Sorry! I told her to use the GPS!" and I was like "CRAP." Then we turned around and ran out of the actual door.

     We ran all the way back across the outdoor mall and didn't even slow down once we got to the parking lot. I kept looking behind us because Momma's hair can easily be recognized by anyone who knows her (and everyone who doesn't- like every fucking hair stylist wants to do her hair for free).

    We got into the car and had to go to Petsmart so that we could get The Stud Dog a new collar. Jan Brady didn't seem to want to handle all the hills and stuff between "rich folk land" and what I realized I also call "rich folk land". So I changed it to "super rich folk land" and "rich folk land" because honestly, people are too broke for that stuff unless you're rich.

     Since we were there, we stopped at Party City and I was like, "HEY. MY PIRATE COSTUME. OF COURSE NOW THEY HAVE IT IN STOCK." before I saw Halloween masks and then I was like, "MOMMA WE SHOULD PUT THOSE ON AND MAKE A VIDEO FOR MY BLOG, OH MY GOSH." Then she made a very valid point. "But how many other people have had their faces in them?" And that was gross so we didn't do it, but I thought about you guys!

     We also stopped at a dress store because I need some dresses for stuff I don't want to go into now because it'll totally depress this post. I found one really cute shirt so I managed to use my cute daughterly charm awesome begging skills to convince Momma to buy it for me since I'm broke. I then went to the fitting room to try the dress on.

     I searched the entire dress but I couldn't find a zipper. It didn't seem stretchy but I decided, "Eh, what the hell? It's nice and we're in a hurry." and just pulled it on over my head, though it was a bit of a struggle. I showed Mom and she agreed that it was appropriate so I closed the door and tried to take it off. Tried.

     After three minutes of failing miserably, I put my shorts on under the dress and had to scream for Mom for several minutes, because she walked away and a bunch of bitches kept getting in her way. The next few minutes happened something like this.

Mom: What?
Me: I CAN'T GET THE DRESS OFF. HELP.
Mom: HAHAHAHAHHAAHA I HAVE TO STRIP YOU?
Me: I GUESS. JUST GET IT OFF OF ME. HELP ME.
Mom: -walks into the bathroom stall sized dressing room with me and pulls on it- There's no zipper.
Me: I know that.
Mom: -jerks the dress something like a corset so that I couldn't breath-
Me: STOP ASSAULTING ME.
Mom: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAH Sorry.
Me: Sure.
Mom: -pulls the dress again but it gets stuck-
Me: GET THIS DRESS OFF OF ME. WITHOUT ASSAULTING ME.
Mom: -finally gets the dress off of me- Hey, I found the zipper. It's in the seam.
Me: -almost dies just from that-
Mom: -grabs my shirt and pulls it on over my head violently before I can dress myself and then opens the door- Let's go.
Me: -slowly walks out after her- I feel violated.

     After that, we spent fifteen minutes in line because some lady was buying half the store and then went back for more and couldn't decide if she wanted the clothes in a bag or a box. Finally, we were able to leave and started walking back to the car so that we could actually go to Petsmart.

     Two teenage guys walked out of a book store and one of them kept announcing, "I HAVE MONEY. I HAVE MONEY RIGHT NOW. LET'S GO SPEND IT." Honestly, I don't know if he was hitting on his guy friend or trying to subtly do some sort of weird pick-up line thing to me and Momma. She couldn't figure it out either but we went into the parking lot and they went into a different store.

     Finally, we got to Petsmart, just when it started raining. We got inside and I started freaking out over cute animals. Momma even took a few videos of me, but I can't show you guys that. Everyone (except Wolfie) agrees that I was acting like I was on crack because I was so excited about the critters. I also took the most horrible attractive picture ever, with my hair all fucked up and making a face at the camera.

     We ended up going to WalMart next, because we needed bottled water and I wanted to find something that might help my hair better than my color-protect shampoo and I needed conditioner anyways. (For those of you who are curious, I'm trying Dove's Intensive Hair Care or whatever it's called.) On the way into WalMart, some old guy tried to run us over and then waved at me with the biggest grin ever when I glared at him. On the way out of WalMart, some different (creepy) old guy in the line next to us was staring at Mom and trying to strike up a conversation when I grabbed a soda. I whispered to her I would protect her from any pedophiles but he moved to a different line so he may have heard me. Oops.

     We picked up The Stud Dog and discovered he's the only dog we've ever had who doesn't run when he's off the leash. He's also the only dog we've ever had who's mine. Yay me. After that, we went home and I changed into comfy sweatpants because I was tired of being in jean shorts.

5:43 and I was still thinking about Stalker-Face.
     Momma had the remote, as usual, and decided we were going to watch the SyFy channel because Thirteen Ghosts was on and I've only seen it twice and she's only seen it once. It's really violent movie but most horror movies are.

     Then Momma decided to watch SyFy's movie Haunted High which had probably the worst effects ever since it was a brand new movie, but was so fucking violent and gory... I don't like blood and I gagged a couple of times because of it. It was really really violent.

     I was falling asleep when the last movie started, but then my phone didn't shut up, so I wasn't able to fall asleep. Instead, I curled up in a ball and decided to watch the last movie with Momma.

10:21 and I still don't know how I was awake and actually making sense.
     The last movie was called House of Bones. It was also incredibly violent. We were expecting horror movies and although they were all creepy, they were much more violent than anything. And bloody. And gory. And not something you should watch if you don't like that sort of thing. But we should all know, I have no tolerance for horror movies anymore.

12:13 and I was no longer tired... just a little freaked out.
     I didn't go to sleep until like 3:30 in the morning and I was exhausted. And still a little freaked out. I didn't want to go to sleep but I couldn't keep my eyes open any more and passed out. This morning, I woke up to Momma throwing The Little Dog onto my bladder but there haven't been any stalkers, violent or creepy old people, or bloody movies so it's been a good day.

P.S. I know that was a lot of reading, but check out this post about why nursery rhymes are creepy that I'm kinda proud of.

8 comments:

  1. Quite the day! I hope that you never run into that stalker again. :/ Stay safe.

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    1. Thanks! We're hoping we never see him again either. That was a big surprise for us.

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  2. I want to know what PawPaw thought about his twin!!!! lol Beware of stalkers, girly!!! lol

    You really did have quite an eventful weekend. lol

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    1. haha If I talk to PawPaw about the twin, I'll be sure to let you know what he says. And oh, we are now! I learned my lesson: Look around before you sit down because a stalker may be nearby. haha

      lol That was all in one day too! I was very sleepy after that.

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  3. Wow! That was craziness! The Paw Paw part gave me chills!

    You need to take a few days off and just watch innocent, trashy television :)

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    1. haha I freaked out so much when I realized it. It was really, really strange. A few months ago, I found a girl who works at a burger place that looks just like Ashley, but taller. They sounded alike too.

      And haha, yeah, all I felt like doing were sleeping and watching TV.

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  4. I heard that everyone has a twin somewhere. I feel really, really sorry for mine.

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    1. I've never heard that. I've heard of dopplegangers (which are German folklore; some say it's your ghost double and you'll die if you see them others just say that it's a ghost who can take on your appearance) but not that. It would make sense though, with all of the people in the world.

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