I went into the details about how I was bullied last year, so you can click the links below if you would like to see the specifics of it, but this year I just don't have it in me. Writing about the effects is difficult enough, but if you have any questions for me, I will answer them. I just don't currently have the emotional ability to go into the exact details of the events like I did before.
If you want to see my posts from last year, you can click anywhere here:
- The bullying statistics and links to the credits as of last year.
- An exercise to show a little bit of what people have to face every day.
- A list of celebrities who were bullied and some of the results that came from it.
- Part one of my own story of being bullied, which I'll vaguely go into in this post too.
- Part two of my story, which has a lot more detail than I'll be talking about in this year's post.
- A complete list of everyone who sent me the links for their posts from last year so I could thank them.
This year, I'm going to talk more about the effects that it can cause. I'm assuming you know what bullying is so I shouldn't really have to explain it. But just in case I have a bully reading this and they don't realize that they're a bully, basically it means that you attack somebody else. It can be done physically, mentally, emotionally, online, offline, by friends, by family, by strangers, by anyone. Nobody deserves it, not somebody who made a mistake and not even the bully themselves.
I was called stupid, weird, a loser, a geek, too fat, too skinny, a nerd, untalented, etc. People didn't like my hair, my face, my voice, my personality, or just generally my existence to sum it up. If I would have died, I doubt anyone besides my mom and the two or three people I was friends with would have noticed or cared. I was grabbed, shoved against lockers, pushed down stairs, followed around, rumors were spread, secrets were told. People stole stuff from my locker, which we had to pay to replace and I was accused of lying about it by the PE coach, who said I just wanted attention. The list goes on, but you get the idea.
I literally thank God that all of this happened before everyone in my generation was using the internet, because that only makes it worse. I was damn lucky not to have to deal with that as well when I was in school, but that's one of the biggest places that people are bullied.
When I was younger, I had such low self-esteem that it was virtually non-existent. None at all, really. I hated what I saw in the mirror and I did everything I could to avoid looking in one. I was never good enough for anyone. All I saw was the person that the bullies wanted me to believe I was. I just turned twenty years old and after getting out of public school when I was thirteen, I still struggle with it. That's seven years and there are days where I still see that girl they wanted me to believe I was, even though I know I will never be that person.
Most days are better now. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm still learning to find qualities that I really like about myself and I try to think of at least one a day, even if its the same one. For example, I love how honest I am and I love how people ask for my advice. I love how good I am with kids and animals, even though I'm still convinced old people hate me. I really like my eyes and I like my hair. Even three years ago, I wouldn't have said anything on that list. If you asked me what I liked about myself, I would have had to bullshit some answer so that I wouldn't worry whoever asked me, if I thought they cared enough to worry.
I have trouble sitting with my back to people I don't trust very well, because I'm still worried that somebody else is going to grab or shove me from behind. On that note, I basically don't trust anyone. I have a very short list of people who I trust at all, and an even shorter list of people that I trust fully. On the list of people that I trust fully: My mom, my boyfriend, Sissi, and Brother. That's all.
I highly doubt I will ever fully get over my trust issues, but I'm still so much better than I was a few years ago. Thirteen year old me didn't trust a single person in the world because I thought that was the only way that I would survive.
Not that I was sure that I really wanted to survive.
The bullying put me into such a depression that I seriously considered several things to make it all stop. First, let me explain what depression feels like, for those of you who think it just means you're a little sad. It's so much more than that. It feels like you're drowning in a black hole but nobody even notices. It's hidden behind fake smiles, fake laughs, and the act of looking happy while you feel like you're literally dying from the inside. No matter how fast you run towards anything happy, you can't get to it in time to escape the darkness.
There comes a point when you reach a breaking point. For some, it's alcohol or drugs. Others use self-harm, such as cutting themselves. Those were my top three options. I thought about it every single day. Literally the only reason that I never did, was because I made a promise to a friend that I wouldn't do what he was, and he checked in on me every single day to make sure I kept that promise. Some people starve themselves or go so far as to break their own bones, because they need to feel anything besides the depression.
Then there's the final breaking point: suicide.
That's something else that I thought about. The lowest point I reached was when I was seventeen. I had escaped the bullying from school, but bullies aren't just in school. It seemed like I was never going to get away from it and I was never going to escape the depression that was eating me away. I won't list the ways I considered because I refuse to give anyone any ideas, but there was a pretty long list. To this day, I don't know what pulled me through when I was so willing to die to get away from it all. Faith, maybe? It was the one thing I never gave up on.
Things have gotten better since that point. I don't cry myself to sleep every night and I don't think about the easiest way to die. I want to live now and I want to keep fighting back, to be the person that I want to be, not be who everyone thinks I am. I don't know if I'll ever fully get over all of the bullying that I went though, but I do know that I refuse to stop fighting back when I know things always get better.
There are so many people who never had a chance to escape it, until they reached that final breaking point. Amanda Todd is one example. She's still being bullied and she's been dead over a year. Another example is Rebecca Sedwick, who was twelve years old and killed herself just a few weeks ago. Not everyone is lucky enough to survive and even more struggle with lifelong problems- emotional, mental, and physical.
Trying to lock it all away and never think about it only hurt me, and it will only hurt everyone else who doesn't speak up. Trying to pretend that it never happened and trying to forget it all just make things worse. The only way that things will get better for anyone is to talk about it. I promise that my next post will be something happier, but this is something that people needs to understand, so that things can get better for those who have been affected by bullying.
**Due to news stories talking about people going overboard, trying to stop bulling, I feel the need to put a disclaimer here. I do NOT encourage, endorse, or support anyone doing anything illegal, harmful, criminal, violent, or dangerous activity. This is about stopping people from being hurt. This is NOT about hurting anyone in any way, shape, or form. Any links involving anyone going over the top and handling things inappropriately will not be posted on my blog, Twitter, or anywhere else by myself. If I find a link that involves anything inappropriate, I will delete it, and if possible, I will report it. Also, I am not an expert on this matter. I have included the links to the sources I got my information from and give full credit to whoever did the actual research, that I am using here.**