Monday, April 14, 2014

L is for Love

     Another post suggested by Mercedes, though I've been planning to write about it for a while.

     There are several types of love. The way you love your pet isn't the same way you love your family and that isn't the same way you love your significant other. If if is, I recommend speaking with a councilor now, because that's unhealthy and also gross.

     I'm only going to talk about one type today: loving but hating. Originally, I was going to write about being in love, but I don't feel as though I can do it justice enough on my phone.

     For a long time, I hated myself because I couldn't hate my dad or his family after everything they've done. I don't like them, but I still love them. I used to be so angry that I couldn't just change how I felt, but over the years, I learned that its okay. Like it or not, they are my family and they had a hand in shaping who I am today, though it could have been a lot different without the good influences in my life.

     But it's okay that I can't hate them. It's even okay that I love them. I can be angry, I can cut off contact if it ever comes to that, and I don't have to like them or anything that they do.

     In order to be a healthy and well adjusted person, it's also important to forgive. I damn sure won't forget or trust them again, but forgiving them for whatever made them how they are, is the only way I've been able to let go of some of the anger and accept they it's okay to love the people I can't stand being around.

     I didn't even know I still loved my dad until I had a nightmare when I was about fifteen where he ended up in a coma and I woke up crying because I thought I would never speak to him again. I emailed him (he was out of the country) and he emailed back, much to my relief. That was when I realized I needed to forgive and accept, in order to move on.

     I started trying to make more contact with that side of my family, but they never kept it up, so I gave up. It hurt and it felt like rejection but then I knew, "This isn't my fault. My mom made efforts for me to be around them when I was little and I have now. Whatever they miss out on, is on them." It wasn't malicious, just the truth.

     I'm still working on the forgiveness part. I don't really know how to just let it go because I trained myself to hold grudges to be stronger. Grudges make you weaker and make you tired. Letting go but learning your lesson is what makes you stronger.

     For now, I accept when they want to talk. If they initiate a conversation, I'll do the same, but it always stops after that. I know it's not my fault now. For all the things in the past, all I can do is be thankful for where it took me. I'm not thankful for what they did or how they act, but for the things I learned and where I am now. And with that, forgiveness has slowly started to come naturally. And it's making me less angry at them and at myself, which leaves more room for happiness and love and hope.

     I don't know why I can't hate them. Some people reach a point of hating or just straight out not caring at all. I'm not sure why I can't. My mom just said, "You're related. You can't help it. Despite the bad, they did give you good memories, however few they are." If I had to say goodbye, it would hurt. I can't say it would hurt as much as if it was my mom or my sister or my boyfriend, but they are my family. I love them but I can't stand them. And this post makes so much less sense here than my head, I'm sorry.

4 comments:

  1. Forgiveness is a big part of finding peace.

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    1. It's the only way I've found to even start doing so. I've been told I have a "sad face" and I don't want people to see me as sad.

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  2. Rejection by people who are supposed to love you is very painful, but it's an unfortunate fact of some lives.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I believe it's even more unfortunate by those rejecting because they'll never know what they're missing. The rejected, though, clearly deserve better so they (or we) aren't missing out on anything.

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