Wednesday, June 11, 2014

An Open Letter To Roommate

     Dear Roommate,

     I am writing you this open letter as a sort of log, of all the things you do that make me want to punch you in the throat. This list is far from complete, seeing as we've been inhabiting the same apartment since last November and I am starting this log in June. Please, refer to this if you ever wonder why Wolfy and I don't want to live with you. Also, please refer this to any potential roommate in the future, so that they have a fair warning of what lays ahead.

     Up until this date, you have done quite a few things that make me insane, including but not limited to: Leaving the kitchen drawers open so food gets in the nice clean cookware, hogging the kitchen for eight hours at a time to cook a week's worth of food that is then stored in tupaware containers that takes two out of three shelves in the fridge, getting so much grease and dirt on the floor that it turned gray and I had to scrub it up for four hours on my hands and knees, clogging the dryer lent trap, leaving beer bottle caps all over the floor, making popcorn in an open skillet and not cleaning up the layer of popcorn in the kitchen and living room that it causes, trying to prove that yes you can get laid by saying "hey Rachel!" while you and the barely clothed woman were dressing with your door wide open, spilling things in various locations without wiping it up so that it then dries and stains or take far too long to scrub up, only cleaning your own bathroom one single time since I have lived here up until this point, trying to overcompensate by needing to have a larger TV that you play on near max volume in the living room while Wolfy and I are unable to hear a thing from our TV, randomly shutting of the A/C and ice maker when the weather was reaching 90 degrees outside, even causing Wolfy to say "I think he may be trying to flirt with you" (which I automatically responded that I would sic him on you, if I didn't kick you ass myself), stealing our food, using our dishes but never cleaning them... The list goes on, but I'll get to the actual dated things now.

     Monday, June 9th
     We were all hanging out in the living room, as we do. The TV was far too loud and I couldn't hear what I was trying to watch on Wolfy's TV. We still don't understand why, when our big TV was in the living room first, did you move your TV out of your bedroom but that is besides the point. After scattering beer bottle caps and popcorn all over the place, you farted loudly. Not once was there an "excuse me" or anything similar. I strongly considered punching you in the throat but the wave of stink knocked the breath out of me. I decided to stick the air fresheners that stick to walls, up under your chair. I have yet to do this but only because I need to buy those air fresheners first.

     Tuesday, June 10th
     I had the day off from work so I made it my project to clean out the cabinets and pantry for expired food. From your seasonings, I threw away stuff that expired as far back as 2009. From the pantry, I threw away expired food from all the way back to 2011. I filled up half a garbage bag (the other half was already full with garbage). It weighed so much, that it took me ten minutes to get to the dumpster on a usual two to three minute walk. The bag also ripped and some unknown liquid dropped down my legs and feet. In the pantry, I made almost two more shelves of space. I only threw one thing away that belonged to Wolfy and I, a mostly empty box of hot chocolate that only recently expired. Wolfy seemed quite happy with how organized everything was. You, Roommate? Oh, no. You walked to the pantry, talked to yourself for five minutes, then went to your chair and sat down. After staring at the blank TV screen for nearly half an hour, you went to your room, laid on your bed with the door open for another half hour, and then returned to your chair...to clip your toenails. I vowed to my friends that if I found a single toenail clipping, it would make it's way into your pre-cooked food. This has yet to happen.

     Wednesday, June 11th
     Why, yes, that is today. Today, I was off from work again, so I decided that cleaning out the fridge would be my next project. It was not a difficult task. There was not much to throw out, but everything that was thrown out, was yours. Most things, like yesterday, had never been opened or only been eaten out of once. Did you know that you have three things of mayo in there? Because you do. Please consume what you have, before buying more. I finished it fairly quickly and saw the three pound block of hamburger meat that needed to be cut up and two pounds put into the freezer. Let me walk you through what happened.

     First, I took the hamburger meat out of the fridge and set it on the counter. Then, I got a plate to cu it on. Next, I went to the silverware drawer and grabbed a knife. Wait. I stopped, looked closely at your silverware in our drawer, then proceeded to scream "THAT MOTHER FUCKER". I took a picture as evidence of your crime, then threw the silverware into the sink. Literally. I threw it. Then I proceeded to scream, "THAT SON OF A BITCH", but quickly set the knife down since I was suddenly feeling very stabby. What did you do, you ask?


     Here, a closer look for you.


     You only own three pieces of silverware. How you can possibly over look such a gross amount of food on that silverware and put it into the drawer of clean silverware, I will never know. If it happens again, it may just find it's way into the dumpster with all of your expired food. I would just hate for that to happen, especially if Wolfy and I lock up our silverware so that you can't use it.

     Roommate, you are thirty something years old. This behavior is only acceptable at the ages of three and under. You are not Peter Pan so it's time for you to grow up now please.


Sincerely,
Rachel, the girl that you think can't take care of herself but would have already throat punched you if it wasn't illegal

18 comments:

  1. That. is. infuriating. I've lost my patience and I don't live with the jackass. People who can't clean up after themselves need to have lessons in empathy, consideration, cleanliness, and maybe consideration again. As someone who just had a mouse problem and an ant problem, not because I'm gross but because of outside factors, I'm incensed on your behalf. Can you break the lease and move out without notice?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Technically, my name is not on the lease so I can move whenever I want. However, my boyfriend does have his name on the lease, which means we'll have a pretty large fine if we move before it's up. The bright side is, that it ends in two months. All I have to do, is keep myself from committing a felony for two more months, and Wolfy (the boyfriend) and I can get a one bedroom apartment.

      Delete
  2. Sound like what we went through with my brother and what my parents still kind of go through with him. I think I've told you some of the things he has done. When we moved out he left his room destroyed and refused to clean it. We had to do it and the things we found in there and the bathroom he used was appalling. He never cleaned unless forced to by my dad. when he cleaned he was great at it but it only happened once every few months. And then after the Brian mess Derek and I have decided we will never allow other people to live with us unless we both agree.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I learned my lesson. Friend, family, or whatever... Any new roommates will have to sign a contract with apartment rules saying that they will clean and generally not be a douche. Any violation means they have to put $20 into a jar that will be split up by whoever actually does follow the rules.

      Delete
  3. What a nightmare...I admire you doing all that cleaning and organizing. I can't believe he doesn't even thank you for all you do, but someone with his manners wouldn't even think of it. I'm glad it's only a few more months. Now, Rach, no felonies. You can do it. You can do it. Just imagine the look on his face as he's left with his mess and no nice Rachel to clean up after him. Take it easy. Maybe put the knives away when he's home...and don't let him use your silverware drawer. OMG that was bad. Is he like partially blind?
    Tina @ Life is Good
    On the Open Road! @ Join us for the 4th Annual Post-Challenge Road Trip!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am completely out of patience with him. He doesn't get to use anything with my stuff in it anymore. I would honestly padlock everything if the drawers were designed in a way that I could. If it wasn't an apartment, I would even get a deadbolt for the pantry and lock up the food. It's a shame I can't.

      I'm avoiding all sharp objects while he's home. It's the only way. And no, he isn't partially blind. I'm the only one in the apartment who needs glasses and yet, I'm the one who cleans up after him. Wolfy says thank you and let's me know I did a good job, works more hours than me, and generally picks up after himself, so I don't mind. But Roommate is going to be in for quite a surprise when we move. I can't wait.

      Delete
  4. OH MY GOSH. I would lose my shit if that was my roomie. Holy crap.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know. He's gotta go. I'm a pretty nice person and if somebody who isn't any sort of abuser can make me feel this stabby, they need to just fucking stop.

      Delete
  5. Roomie needs to be kicked out. That's appalling!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Two more months and Wolfy and I will be moving out. Whether Roommate stays, leaves, goes back to his parents, or ends up living in a box, I don't particularly care. I just found out he'll be gone for the weekend house sitting and I got more excited than I did on Christmas.

      Delete
  6. I am furious and I don't even live with the guy. That is absolutely disgusting. Please frame him for a crime so he'll be sent to prison. Or follow him around until he actually commits a crime. An idiot like that is sure to do so. God, I feel sorry for you. I complain about Willy Dunne Wooters leaving coasters and napkins around the house. That's nothing compared to what you experience with this piece of shit.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He went to house sit for his parents for the weekend. When Wolfy told me, I was more excited than I was on Christmas. All we've been talking about is, "Two more months! That's is! Then it'll always be like this!" It's been amazing. I am feeling much less stabby without Roommate around. As soon as he returns, I'll start looking for any clues for a crime. I feel sorry for his future cell mate though.

      Delete
  7. Yikes. I've said it once and I'll say it again, this is why I never had roommates, because I knew stuff like this would happen. I'm clean, I'm organized, and I cook my own food, meaning that by the law of nature anyone who lived with me would end up being the complete opposite and I would therefore murder them.

    That last part, when you said he was thirty something, that blew my skull. I thought this guy was like 20 by the way you talked about him. Yeesh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've put the air freshener thing under his chair and kicked him out of the silverware drawer. I have to make some sort of change before the move or I'm going to need somebody to send me some bail money.

      Nope, I'm 20 and he's like 30 something, yet I'm the one who actually makes sure the apartment is clean. Wolfy helps, of course, but he does work more than I do so I try to do more cleaning than he's stuck with.

      Delete
  8. Nasty! Seeing those pics in a bigger view really grosses me out. But what also cracked me up was that he only owns three pieces of silverware! He is probably too lazy to wash them between each eating. Gah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's even grosser in person. The pictures didn't do it enough justice.

      He uses are silverware ALL THE FUCKING TIME. His are STILL sitting in the sink from when I threw them in there and instead of washing them like an intelligent human being, he just keeps using our silverware and leaving it piled up because he knows I'll eventually wash it since I don't want to eat my cereal or tuna or spaghetti with my fingers.

      Delete
  9. Good grief. I roommate like that would drive me insane. I hope you're rid of him soon. What a crappy way to have to live...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope so too! I'm ready for him to go away now. I think I'll feel much less stabby once he's gone.

      Delete