Monday, June 23, 2014

Gum

     I have a whole list of things that will make your servers hate you, but this is just a quick note.

     If you go out to eat and put your chewed up gum under the table, your server hates you. Guess what? Anyone who sits there after you hates you to because their hands accidentally brush up against a chewed up piece of gum, covered in your spit. Hopefully only your spit and it wasn't a shared piece of gum.

     We have 49 tables where I work. I checked 42 of them because the other 7 were occupied. 8 of those 42 tables had gum underneath, despite having been checked last week.

     Your server is the one who has to clean it up. We also don't like your nasty chewing up left on the side of your plate or glass. We have to scrape it off the plate before passing it to the dishwasher, who will look at the sticky remains and know it will have to be washed more than once to make sure it's all gone.

     So what if we use cloth napkins?

     Take your gum chewing nasty ass to the bathroom and throw it in the garbage, like you were taught to do as a child, asshole. There's a reason teachers never allowed gum in class and I am one piece away from starting a petition to ban it from restaurants too.

     The only appropriate place for your gum is in a napkin, in the trash. Don't know where it is? Ask.

     But do not, under any circumstances, leave that shit anywhere except a trash can when you leave the restaurant. Or I can promise you that every single person who comes in contact with it will hate you and wonder where your parents went wrong.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

An Open Letter To Roommate

     Dear Roommate,

     I am writing you this open letter as a sort of log, of all the things you do that make me want to punch you in the throat. This list is far from complete, seeing as we've been inhabiting the same apartment since last November and I am starting this log in June. Please, refer to this if you ever wonder why Wolfy and I don't want to live with you. Also, please refer this to any potential roommate in the future, so that they have a fair warning of what lays ahead.

     Up until this date, you have done quite a few things that make me insane, including but not limited to: Leaving the kitchen drawers open so food gets in the nice clean cookware, hogging the kitchen for eight hours at a time to cook a week's worth of food that is then stored in tupaware containers that takes two out of three shelves in the fridge, getting so much grease and dirt on the floor that it turned gray and I had to scrub it up for four hours on my hands and knees, clogging the dryer lent trap, leaving beer bottle caps all over the floor, making popcorn in an open skillet and not cleaning up the layer of popcorn in the kitchen and living room that it causes, trying to prove that yes you can get laid by saying "hey Rachel!" while you and the barely clothed woman were dressing with your door wide open, spilling things in various locations without wiping it up so that it then dries and stains or take far too long to scrub up, only cleaning your own bathroom one single time since I have lived here up until this point, trying to overcompensate by needing to have a larger TV that you play on near max volume in the living room while Wolfy and I are unable to hear a thing from our TV, randomly shutting of the A/C and ice maker when the weather was reaching 90 degrees outside, even causing Wolfy to say "I think he may be trying to flirt with you" (which I automatically responded that I would sic him on you, if I didn't kick you ass myself), stealing our food, using our dishes but never cleaning them... The list goes on, but I'll get to the actual dated things now.

     Monday, June 9th
     We were all hanging out in the living room, as we do. The TV was far too loud and I couldn't hear what I was trying to watch on Wolfy's TV. We still don't understand why, when our big TV was in the living room first, did you move your TV out of your bedroom but that is besides the point. After scattering beer bottle caps and popcorn all over the place, you farted loudly. Not once was there an "excuse me" or anything similar. I strongly considered punching you in the throat but the wave of stink knocked the breath out of me. I decided to stick the air fresheners that stick to walls, up under your chair. I have yet to do this but only because I need to buy those air fresheners first.

     Tuesday, June 10th
     I had the day off from work so I made it my project to clean out the cabinets and pantry for expired food. From your seasonings, I threw away stuff that expired as far back as 2009. From the pantry, I threw away expired food from all the way back to 2011. I filled up half a garbage bag (the other half was already full with garbage). It weighed so much, that it took me ten minutes to get to the dumpster on a usual two to three minute walk. The bag also ripped and some unknown liquid dropped down my legs and feet. In the pantry, I made almost two more shelves of space. I only threw one thing away that belonged to Wolfy and I, a mostly empty box of hot chocolate that only recently expired. Wolfy seemed quite happy with how organized everything was. You, Roommate? Oh, no. You walked to the pantry, talked to yourself for five minutes, then went to your chair and sat down. After staring at the blank TV screen for nearly half an hour, you went to your room, laid on your bed with the door open for another half hour, and then returned to your chair...to clip your toenails. I vowed to my friends that if I found a single toenail clipping, it would make it's way into your pre-cooked food. This has yet to happen.

     Wednesday, June 11th
     Why, yes, that is today. Today, I was off from work again, so I decided that cleaning out the fridge would be my next project. It was not a difficult task. There was not much to throw out, but everything that was thrown out, was yours. Most things, like yesterday, had never been opened or only been eaten out of once. Did you know that you have three things of mayo in there? Because you do. Please consume what you have, before buying more. I finished it fairly quickly and saw the three pound block of hamburger meat that needed to be cut up and two pounds put into the freezer. Let me walk you through what happened.

     First, I took the hamburger meat out of the fridge and set it on the counter. Then, I got a plate to cu it on. Next, I went to the silverware drawer and grabbed a knife. Wait. I stopped, looked closely at your silverware in our drawer, then proceeded to scream "THAT MOTHER FUCKER". I took a picture as evidence of your crime, then threw the silverware into the sink. Literally. I threw it. Then I proceeded to scream, "THAT SON OF A BITCH", but quickly set the knife down since I was suddenly feeling very stabby. What did you do, you ask?


     Here, a closer look for you.


     You only own three pieces of silverware. How you can possibly over look such a gross amount of food on that silverware and put it into the drawer of clean silverware, I will never know. If it happens again, it may just find it's way into the dumpster with all of your expired food. I would just hate for that to happen, especially if Wolfy and I lock up our silverware so that you can't use it.

     Roommate, you are thirty something years old. This behavior is only acceptable at the ages of three and under. You are not Peter Pan so it's time for you to grow up now please.


Sincerely,
Rachel, the girl that you think can't take care of herself but would have already throat punched you if it wasn't illegal

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Six? Seriously?

     I'm accepting my sixth award for my blog today. I think my favorite part is that I can say, "I'm a six time award-winning blogger, nominated by the people". How fucking cool is that?

     Today, my newest trophy comes from Janie Junebug.  Go tell her hello and give some love to all of the people participating in her Bully For You series, taking place every Monday until everyone has said what they need to say. She's doing an amazing thing and you should all make sure that she knows it.

     There are only two rules to accepting this award, apparently. The first is that I have to list seven facts about myself and the second is that I have to pass it on to fifteen other bloggers. I'm doing this from my phone so cut me some slack if I don't reach the goal of fifteen. We'll start with the facts, as always.


  1. I recently submitted a poem into a writing contest, for the first time ever. I'm scared shitless and I won't know if I even made it into the first round until two weeks from now. Unfortunately, that's all I can say, as it's anonymous and I refuse to get votes just because I have friends. I'll update when I know if I win or if I never even get into round one.
  2. I'm also fleshing out and editing the nightmare post that I did a while back. Apparently, I have a chance at having it published in an online magazine. Again, I'll update as I know more.
  3. I just saw a picture of a girl who used to be my best friend on Facebook, through her sister's profile. I basically lived at her house part time for almost two years and then she just stopped liking me and wanting to be friends. She just stopped talking to me and I never found out why. My brother told me that I should ask her or I'll spend the rest of my life wondering why I went from being her best friend/sister/roommate to a stranger within three weeks.
  4. I used to work as a food runner and never dropped a tray the entire six months that I did it. I did drop one tray a few months after becoming a server, which resulted in me almost crying. On Saturday, I was given a table of six and a table of two at the same time, while I already had two other tables. While getting drinks for the six-top, I dropped the tray in the kitchen. Two glasses broke, glass and ice was everywhere, I was soaking wet, and I smashed my finger so hard that another server and I thought I cut myself. I almost cried at that too. Today at work, I was using a beverage tray again to bus a table. As soon as I picked it up, a glass fell over onto the booth. I just looked up, sighed, and thought "Why? I've been nice to everyone today. What did I do to deserve this?" Another table saw that, then saw me drop a roll of silver, and said that I should just go home because it was NOT my day. I agreed.
  5. Roommate makes popcorn that smells like sweaty feet after three days and he doesn't like to clean the kitchen. I've been picking up popcorn from the floor and putting it in his chair and leaving just enough soap in his dishes to make his food taste bad. He has no idea but it's helping to keep me from beating him with a dirty mop.
  6. Today I realized that my boyfriend knows me so well that when I say "that one thing" or "that one guy whatshisface", he always knows who or what exactly I'm talking about. It's extremely helpful when I lack the ability to make words, which is pretty much all the time.
  7. At an undetermined date in the near future (read: after I have a laptop), I will be starting a bi-weekly series. It will be focused on controversial or important topics. I have a page listing all of the topics that I have so far and any suggestions will give you credit for the topic. There are some things (for example, self harm or depression) where I will be doing anonymous interviews with people who have been through it. If you have a story that you want to tell but don't want your name associated with it, we can set up an interview for you also and I will go as far as to not even name your gender. If you have any questions, suggestions, or want to be interviewed, you can email me at pertinax_puella@hotmail.com


     Seven facts and I managed not to pimp out my own blog until the very end! Now, here are some bloggers who actually deserve this award and didn't get it because of just being buddies.


  1. Kianwi (formerly of simplyshegoes.com) from Writsey Daisy
  2. Tony (formerly "Brother" until he got a name) from Tony's The Best
  3. Tina (also known as my amazing math teacher) from Life Is Good
  4. Pottermore (who I know the identity of and you don't) from Follow Me To My Rabbit Hole
  5. Azia DuPont (who I followed after one post because wow) from Azia DuPont
  6. Sherry Ellis (who is so sweet and kind I can't figure out why she follows me) at Mama Diaries 
  7. Sara (I hope that's the correct spelling) from Whims And Wanderings


    Seven people and seven facts. Close enough. I almost threw my phone trying to link to one of these awesome people. I can't handle the rest or somebody is gonna have to replace my phone. (...on second thought...)

     Anyways, Janie, thank you for the award. I'm honestly not sure I deserve it since I'm not very versatile, unless you count "bitchy" and "bitchy with a purpose" as two different things. But thank you. I'm not kidding when I say that I smile for days when I get an award.