Monday, January 5, 2015

B&E

     I'm not sure if I've ever told y'all about breaking into my neighbor's house once. It was a few years ago. She was going to come over and hang out with my mom and I. Well, she had to go somewhere. My mom realized that she had not locked her doors.

     "You should go to her house and get her Maddog so we're ready. We'll have it waiting for her." Momma said.

     "You want me to break and enter?" I asked.

     My mom shrugged. "Don't be a wimp. It's a joke."

     That's how I ended up being peer-pressured by my mother into breaking into my neighbor's house and technically stealing her alcohol. The neighbor thought it was hilarious.

     Today, I went grocery shopping at Wolfy's store and he was going to just drive us home once he clocked out. I got the keys from him and went to put everything in the trunk while waiting on him to be off.

     I got everything into the trunk and put the cart away. Then I went back to the shiny new black car. The shiny brand new 2015 car he worked his ass off to get.

     I opened the passenger's side and the seat was surprised by how much stuff was in it. I started moving the mail and the newspaper and the food container.

     "Since when do we have this food container?" I wondered.

     I tossed everything into the backseat.

     "Since when did he use a case for his sunglasses?" I wondered.

     Something seemed weird to me and I saw an ID in the consol. I picked it up and saw the smiling face of a guy I had never seen. I put the ID back and closed the door. I walked to the other black car, one space over and opposite of the car.

     I tried the trunk. It opened and all of our stuff was inside.

     "Oh my God."

      If you know anything about me, know that I have not said that phrase in years. I never use that phrase because even though I curse, some things just seem inappropriate and wrong. I think it was the shock.

     "I just broke into a car." I said. "I just broke into a car and it wasn't even my mom's fault."

     I have learned two things:

1) That guy needs to lock his fucking doors.

2) I should always have a paper and pen ready so I can apologize if I accidentally break into a car and also tell them to lock their fucking doors.

16 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha ha....

    I used to think my van was so unique looking that I'd never mix it up with another one...till I stood and repeatedly tried to open a stranger's van's door. Thank the Lord that no one saw me.

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    1. My mom had duct tape on her car and it would help me spot it. Now my boyfriend's car is shiny and black and perfect. But I can't tell it from any other shiny black car, apparently.

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  2. That is so funny! I can imagine how you had that sinking feeling of being caught in the process.

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    1. It didn't hit me at first and then I was just like, "oh fuck I just did a crime".

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  3. I was hoping this would make the blog :) It would have been even funnier if you had put your groceries in his trunk, too! Ha ha. I'm still laughing about the thought of him coming back to his car, seeing all his stuff tossed in the back seat and then wondering why nothing was actually stolen. Lol.

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    1. Hahaha I hope he learned to lock his doors! I want to know what he was thinking though!

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  4. Next you'll be picking us someone else's wallet!

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    1. I once picked up a bag left in the food court. It was sports attire and I am NOT sporty so I decided to turn it in.

      I also once found a kid so I decided to return her to her parents since I didn't want a kid.

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  5. That's pretty funny. Now you need to accidentally break into a car or a house where you find lots of money and accidentally take it with you.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. That would be such a shame, wouldn't it? I'll keep you updated. We may accidentally go to England with that accidental money.

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  6. LOL! You always have the best stories. It looks like breaking and entering is just in your blood. As much as you don’t want to do it, it just happens! And, yes, he SHOULD lock his car doors. haha

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    1. We closed down one of our locations and brought all those employees to my store. I told them straight up, "Hi, my name is Rachel. I'm the assistant manager here. I will tell you some of the weirdest stories but I promise I'm telling the truth. You'll think I'm lying but I'm really not that creative."

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  7. Who doesn't lock their brand new car? Honestly! That's hilarious... hopefully it wasn't a 'lesser' car, so you don't offend Wolfy.

    See, I remember one time I drove my mom to the store in my red sports sedan. We walked out after buying some groceries, and she was standing outside of the passenger door of a rusted out Ford Tempo (parked beside my car) trying to get in. She genuinely thought it was my car. I wanted to curl up and die.

    My car.
    The car she tried to get into.

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    1. Right? It was totally that guy's fault; not mine!

      I'm pretty sure the guy's car was a 2014 and Wolfy's is a 2015. They were very, very similar. But since Wolfy's is newer, that probably makes his automatically better.

      Hahaha! I'm not THAT bad! I hope.

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