Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Psycho Thursday

     Let me tell you the story of Psycho Thursday.

     At 4:27 pm (I checked, because one girl had a theory it was because it was after 4:20) I clocked back in from my break.

     The store was in the middle of the first rush it had had all day, but the girl that I was working with was handling it fine. As I clocked in, she came up to me and said, "Do you see that guy?" I looked around. The only guy in the store was sitting on a bench across from the registers.

     I said, "Yes. Is he with someone?" We only sell women's and girl's shoes. Considering he was pretty tall, I didn't think he would be looking for shoes for himself, because we don't carry sizes that go up that high.

     She said, "No. He came in just before the rush started. He asked me my name and if I live around here. I said no and told him I live in the opposite direction I live in. He asked what kind of hobbies I have, so I said hiking. He said we should go sometime."

     At this point, the only lady who was actually interested in buying anything, was ready to pay. I trained this girl myself and she's been working for us since November, so I knew that she could handle the transaction. But I didn't want to leave her alone considering the fact that it sort of summed up to, "Hi. I am a serial killer. It's lovely to meet you. I would like to take you out to the middle of nowhere so that I can rape, torture, and kill you and then dispose of your remains without being caught. Would you like to come with me?"

     Finally, this guy approaches us both, and just says, "I guess I'm just gonna go now." To which my coworker replied, "Okay, bye!"

     We were both pretty confused and wondering what the heck was happening, when the store died down. I pointed out that she should have said that she was underage, considering the fact that she was only seventeen (her birthday was the Monday following this).

     Then a couple came into the store, so I approached them. I started with, "Hi! Welcome to -withheld name of workplace-! How are you doing today?"

     The guy, who was much taller than the last guy, turned around and looked me up and down. He said, and I quote, "Eyyyy mama".

     I wanted to reply with, "Excuse me, but there is no way that I am your mama considering the fact that you have never been, nor will ever be anywhere near my vagina." but I was working so I just started to walk away and said the sale as I was walking.

     Then the woman said, "I need a size!"

     I asked what shoe she wanted and in what size. She pointed it out and said, "I need a size eight in this boot. I want to buy the white one but let me try the black one so I don't dirty it up trying it on." I went and got her the white boot in size eight because we were out of the black ones.

     As I handed it to her, I noticed the guy making a b-line right for my coworker, who was still at the register.

     My first thought was, "Oh hell no. You are not going to fuck with one of my girls. She is underage and my responsibility when she's working and you are just creepy." I didn't say that though, because I thought that might ruin my chance of getting a sale.

     The guy said, "Eyyy mama, I saw you dancing earlier so I thought you might like this." And he hands her a copy of his motherfucking mixed tape. I almost died laughing right there. I literally had to put my hand over my mouth and pretend to be coughing because this guy was so serious, I think he might have pulled a gun on me for laughing in his face.

     "So, what are you doing for the Superbowl?" He asked us.

     I looked at my coworker. "When is the Superbowl?" We asked. Meanwhile, the woman opened the box of shoes, looked at it, and walked away. I am 100% convinced they were trying to separate us to make it easier to target us.

     "This weekend. You know, I'm having a party and I need some bad bitches to come on through. You in?" He asked.

     "You need some what?" I managed to choke out, through my laughter. Meanwhile, my coworker said, "Oh, uh, I have a party. Sorry."

     He didn't look convinced. "I think you two are just the girls I need. I'm gonna have all them bottles out, Lil' Wayne is gonna be coming through-"

     "Oh, I'm sure." I commented, trying not to lose my absolute shit in laughter.

     He ignored me. "All I need is some bad bitches. I'll tell you what, I'll make you my VIP bad bitches."

     "We're good." My coworker, who shall from here on out be known as Bad Bitch (or BB for short), told him.

     "Alright, well if you change your mind, look me up."

     When he left, I laughed so hard that I was crying and had to take my glasses off. They didn't even fully make it out of the door before we burst into the biggest hysterical laughing fit that I can remember having in years.

     We thought it was over, but oh no, it wasn't over yet. We went to the front of the store and looked out. The mall itself was dead. Thankfully, Hiking Guy and Mixed Tape Guy were nowhere to be seen. However, The Umbrella Man was in full sight.

     Umbrella Man is a tall guy who walks around the mall in dirty pants, a baggy hoodie with the hood up, carrying an umbrella, and talking to himself with his head down. I had never seen him up until that point (but I have seen him at least once a day since then).

     "Holy shit. He looks like a serial killer." I whispered.

     BB looked out, both of us leaning out of the doorway. "Today is psycho Thursday. What is going on?" She whispered.

     As we tried to figure out if the moon was full or somebody managed to drug the entire city, these two kids (well, like 14 or 15) started walking by. They were walking together until they got in front of our store, then they started to separate. One guy walked away from us while the other guy walked towards us. They were acting like they were going to take a picture. The guy near us raised his phone.

     And then I saw it was on selfie mode and I was in the picture.

     "Oh fuck."

     I ducked behind the wall and my coworker jumped into the picture and posed.

     As the kids walked away, Umbrella Man came back walking in the other direction.


  1. You have developed creep magnetism. That's bad... (but the mix tape offering was funny).

    1. It was both horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

  2. Wow, rude. He didn't even ask US two bad bitches.

    So that was both hilarious and creepy (hilarious in that nothing bad happened), but you never answered the question we're all dying to know: how was the mix tape? Was it awesome? I imagine a comically homemade techno set that's just 3 hours of um-tss-um-tss-um-tss-um-tss.

    Also, who doesn't want to meet Lil Wayne? Oh, right. Everybody.

    1. Apparently, it's rap, which I already don't like. Bad Bitch does like rap and says that it's one of the worst things she's ever heard.

  3. Bahahaha! That's too awful!...and awesome.
    And I second the motion. What was on that mixtape?!
    Side note: sword umbrellas.
    He's probably a samurai.

    1. Horrible rap, apparently.

      ...I want a sword umbrella!

  4. What the hell (regarding all of the interactions)!?! Who are the dudes who are so confident to objectify women to their face!?! We need to shame more creeps. Publicly, privately, online, wherever, shame some creeps today.
    But...uh...But seriously, are you not two bad bitches?

    1. I honestly only kept my words nice (full of sass, but I didn't tell him what he could do with the mixed tape) because I was working, clocked in, and wearing a name tag. If I had been on my own time and without a name tag, I would have bitched every single one of them (...well maybe not Umbrella Man) out.

      That being said, I am actually very good at being a bitch, thank you very much.

    2. If he wanted a Bad Bitch, then why didn't he ask me? I'm the baddest bitch around. White boots? I haven't seen white boots since I was in third grade, and I had a pair of go-go boots.

      Bad Bitch Mama, who doesn't know who Li'l Wayne is

    3. He might have been intimidated by how good you are at being a bad bitch!

      We have four style at our store and we had three styles of red (we are now down to two). Everyone loses their shit because nobody else has them. Very, very good sellers.

      Blog Daughter, who wishes she didn't know who Lil' Wayne is since he's a rapper who only raps about drugs and bitches

  5. A creepy day for sure! I'd have been looking to see if there was some security guy around.

    1. I did. I found my buddy, the assistant manager of security, and told him what was happening. Which reminded me that I don't think I ever posted about Black Friday.

  6. Ha ha, VIP bad bitches...I don't know how you resisted such a prestigious position!
    Man, that was such a crazy day!!

    1. Oh, it was a challenge. I've never been offered anytbing like that before!

  7. Whoa! I don't think I would've been laughing. I would've been calling the police!

    1. I never really got scared or felt out of control of the situation, but I did alert a nearby kiosk and my buddy on the security team of what was happening. I probably wouldn't have taken the extra precautions if I was working alone, but I had to leave BB in the store when I got off work at 7.

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