Thursday, May 14, 2015

Knock Knock, It's Your Butt

     If that title didn't get your attention, I honestly don't know what will. The best part is that it's relevant.

     About two months ago, I woke up when my boyfriend and roommate left for work in the morning, but fell back asleep right after. At some point after I was home alone, I felt myself wake up, but it felt like my entire body was made of lead and I couldn't move. The most terrifying part was that I felt somebody walk across the room and sit down on the bed next to me, but I couldn't move or scream or even open my eyes. Then suddenly, I was awake, but the room was exactly how it was when I was asleep. It's the second time I've had a dream of that nature. I called my mom to see if she had ever had a dream like that.

     It turns out, she had, that same week. My mom began telling me about a stupid argument that she had with her 24 year old boyfriend (she's 41, so yes, a cougar). We call him Mr Fix-It here, since I don't think he knows I even have a blog and some of the things I've said may very well piss him off. Whatever.

     I don't remember what the argument was about, actually. It was something incredibly stupid that isn't even worth remembering. Probably about the laundry being folded wrong or what they wanted for dinner. It was pointless, but it lasted until bedtime.

     Well, Momma went to bed early because she was not going to go to bed with him. If he wanted to be in the same bed, he would have to go to bed with her. He never actually went to bed with her.

     This is where it gets weird. My mom was asleep before he even attempted to sleep.

     She "woke up" and watched him walk around the house. He tried the kitchen floor but it was too hard. He tried the living room floor but the furniture didn't allow enough room. He tried the couches but they hurt his back. He walked into the bathroom, considering the tub, but walked back out because it seemed like a bad idea. Eventually, he ended up in the bedroom but he was sat in an armchair. My mom kept laughing, asking where he was going to go. He didn't respond. The silent treatment.

     That was when she was thrown up against the wall and flipped upside down, all while Mr Fix-It managed to go to sleep. Then the knocking began.

     She was brought out enough so her butt (or lack there of) could slam back against the wall to start knocking, in intervals of three.

     (That was where I started laughing uncontrollably on the phone and she had to pause her story until I was able to calm myself down again.)

     Well, she didn't like that her butt was being used to knock on a wall and she didn't like that Mr Fix-It was just sleeping in the chair while some unseen force was forcing her to use her butt to knock against a wall. So, she did a very my-mom-thing and started screaming curse words at him.

     When she looked over at the bed, she finally saw what made her realize that she wasn't awake.

     A lump under the blankets was still there. She was in bed asleep but having her butt knocked against the wall while screaming profanity at the same time.

     I don't remember what she said about waking up, but eventually Mr Fix-It ended up in bed with her. My dream is still terrifying and her's is still incredibly humorous. Have you experienced either? Let me know in the comments.

12 comments:

  1. I have some strange dreams, but nothing like you and your mom have had. I don't think my dreams are ever funny. I've had some bad nightmares that really scared me.

    Love,
    Janie

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  2. Those dreams are both terrifying. And you know what? It would be terrifying if someone was knocking at your door with a flat thud, you open your door and it's someone knocking with someone else's butt! Or even if it was someone standing on their hands, knocking with their own butt? Yikes.

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    1. Now this is a great comment. Congratulations, Pickleope.

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    2. Janie is right. This IS a great comment. I also agree 100%. Butt knocking shouldn't be a thing.

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  3. Sometimes I think I'm in a dream that just won't end, like I'm kind of half asleep. Your mom's dream was really weird.

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    1. I sometimes have dreams that go on forever. Occasionally, I have the same dream on more than one night.

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    2. I've had both things happen to me. Sometimes I've woken up from a dream, only to wake up for real from that dream later on.

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  4. Those were some seriously weird dreams! I don't know, probably not my place to say so, but I think your mom needs a new man.

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    1. I admire your honesty. I will support her as long as she is happy, but I'm not exactly on good terms with him.

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  5. With twerking being a thing now, it's only a matter of time before we're all knocking on doors with our butts.

    So do you think you guys experienced sleep paralysis? Or was it all just truly a bad dream?

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    1. That's true but terrifying. Please don't twerk against my door...or at all.

      I'm honestly not sure at this point, because it felt so real. It didn't even really feel like I was waking up. It felt like I just had all the weight lifted off of me. That's what makes it so terrifying- If I did have sleep paralysis, but I was home alone, who sat down on my bed?

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