Thursday, March 24, 2016

The Harsh Reality

     Before you decide to lynch me for disappearing out of no where, at least read the post. I have some pretty valid reasons.

     Also, hi all remaining two readers! If you're easily triggered by talk of mental illness (specifically depression and anxiety), suicide, or any form of abuse then I would highly suggest clicking away now but thank you for stopping by.

     I've opened up many times before about my battle with depression, anxiety, and other struggles. (Self esteem, bullying, general shitty things that just plain suck.) But I don't know if I've ever opened up about what it's like when you're going through a particularly rough patch.

     It's been a really long time since I've been so mentally broken that I've completely lost motivation and felt like nothing would ever get better. I mean, I've had on and off bad days for years. Sometimes those days will last a week or two, but I can still see the light at the end of the tunnel during those times. For some reason, the past few months, that light is so far away and so dim, that I forget its even there.

      Here's the thing with mental illness. It's always in the back of your mind. That doesn't mean you feel it every single waking moment, but you might. It doesn't mean you don't know its there, because you do. Every person is different and feels different and has a different experience. But for me specifically, I was on a four-year streak where the good out weighed the bad and I could go weeks without a peep from the asshole side of my brain, and when it did decide to make an unwelcome visit, it was short and not as harsh as it used to be.

     When I say it used to be harsh, I mean I was so suicidal when I was 17 that I was willing to throw myself out of a moving car, just to make everything stop. The only reason I didn't was because that was the one time, my dad chose not to speed.

     I was doing pretty well, up until this year started. Before you get too worried, no I am not about to throw myself from a moving vehicle and yes everyone is alive.

     Through a serious of unforeseen events, I basically found out that my dad has never loved me and he fully expects to control me with the threat of being cut out of his will should I choose to do anything he doesn't like. Which may not shock any of my long term readers considering he's a douche battle ship (that's more douchy than a douche canoe) but in my nativity, I still thought that he at least had a little piece of love for me in the black hole that is his heart. And of course, I found this out, about two weeks after having a nightmare about him. That was a hard blow to take and I'm not sure I'm quite over all of that yet.

     His mother is hospitalized due to her own stupidity. (Folks- when a doctor tells you to do something or you're going to die, you should really listen because otherwise there's a very high chance that the doctor is right and you could die. Just throwing that out there.) The last time I heard from her was over two years ago when she called me to chew me out about how she hadn't heard from me in two years, when I hadn't even had her phone number for probably three. I also learned some horrifying things from my aunts (which I cannot discuss because it's not my story to tell) so I cut all ties. But the thought of her dying alone, since nobody will go see her, makes me sad. And I feel guilty that I'm not more sad because she's my grandmother, even though she's a wretched human being.

     I've been working six days a week, or sometimes two weeks straight (getting a Sunday off and working all the way through to not that same Saturday but the one after that). I've also been having to cover a lot of shifts. Without our seasonals, we only have 4.5 employees, including myself. The half employee has next to no availability but she's good at the job so we use her where we can. I'm not complaining about working so much, because Lord knows I need the money, but it's left me completely drained.

     Most of my days take one of the two patterns:

     Wake up totally fine and go to work. Something happens during the day. (Angry customer/Something from my dad's family/Etc.) I slowly sink lower and lower and lower to the point I literally only want to sleep so that I can feel better. Then when I get home, having planned to clean the apartment or write a blog post or something else productive, I've lost all motivation and crawl into bed but I can't sleep so I just play on my phone for hours.

     Or I wake up with this pit in the middle of my stomach that makes me feel so much dread I want to throw up. Then my brain starts screaming that something is wrong and I should check on people or stay in bed or literally do the exact opposite of what I need to be doing. But I have to fight through it because panic attacks don't pay the bills. So I spend the entire day nervous and jumpy, so I get exhausted with in a few hours, and with the exhaustion comes my brain being a grumpy asshole because it's tired and then comes in the self doubt and hatred and anger until when I get home, I'm either completely drained or so emotional that I shut down so I can protect myself and others from a potential melt down.

     On Saturday, I started up my own phone plan.

     On Sunday, I had a minor break down but my friend distracted me for several hours until I was able to finally relax and go to sleep.

     On Monday, I went to lunch with a friend and talked to my mom and my grandma (the good one; the one who isn't in the hospital).

     On Tuesday, I opened the store, I left, and then I was called back in to close and cancel my plans so I had a extremely bad... I'm not even sure what it was. Let's just call it a rage attack. And another friend calmed my ass down.

     On Wednesday, I was sexually (verbally) harassed by someone and took it pretty harshly. (More details on that in another post). But I decided that I would not let that asswipe decide the future of today.

     Today is Thursday. I woke up early and had a nice chat with a friend. Then I cleaned my bathroom. Then I did laundry. Cleaned most of the kitchen. Organized my closet/found my side of the bedroom floor. And in about half an hour, I'm going to make dinner and do the dishes and make the bed (the blankets are in the dryer right now) and then I'm going to shower and watch TV with my boyfriend.

     Because yesterday I realized, even though I've been fighting an unseen monster, the harsh reality is that I'm letting time get away from me and I've been losing that battle without even realizing it. Because I've been fighting to survive, but I haven't been fighting to actually live.

66 comments:

  1. Oh, baby. I'm so sorry. I wish I had seen this post right away, or that you had told me how bad things are. Strangely enough, we must be on the same mental illness cycle because I've had a majorly rough time the last few months. Same old depression and anxiety, but the abandonment issues have made everything ten times worse. Can you see a doctor or a psychiatrist? Maybe you already have done. I've changed doctors because the old one was blowing me off. After listening to me try to talk about what's wrong for about five minutes, the new doctor said he could see I'm extremely depressed. It helped. He validated my feelings. So I have a new antidepressant, and he's working on getting something to help me sleep because my nightmares are so horrible. Your dad is a jackass the same as my children's father. Your dad should kiss the ground you walk on. And when he bends over, then you kick him. Knowing that my husband never loved me is very painful. Too many people walk into my life and say they love me, and then they disappear. You need a break from work, but I know what it's like to not be able to take a break. I know you need the money. Is there any chance you can look for something different? Something with days off? Of course, job hunting can feel like more work than keeping the job you have. I've been meaning to attend a support group. I never go because I'm too depressed to be with other people. I don't want to get out of bed. I understand what you mean about time getting away from you. I've "wasted" so much time on depression and anxiety. I have periods of time when I turn it around and it's not as bad, but as you said, it's always there. You know you can always call me or email me. I wish I could get my nephew to help you, but he's all wrapped up in his mom's dementia. Now that she's in an assisted living facility, the house where she's lived for about 45 years has to be cleaned out. She was always a good housekeeper. I think when the dementia hit that everything got away from her. If you think it might help you feel better, I can give you her address so you can visit her. She'd probably love to have some company. You would like helping her feel better. She meant a lot to me when I was growing up. She always called me "little sister." I care so much about you. When you visit your mom (I'm sorry, but I can't remember when the visit takes place), I want to move heaven and earth so I can get there and spend even one hour with you. I want so much to see your face and give you a big hug.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I can't afford to see anyone right now. I do have insurance, but it doesn't cover much of anything and I have to pay a lot just for it to start taking effect. Because I had to just switch phone plans/get a new phone and because I have to get a car, money is very limited.

      I've thought about if I should get a new job, but my bosses treat me better as a person and give me more opportunities than most companies would. In retail, you're lucky if you get more then ten hours a week. One girl also works for another store and they give her four to eight hours a week, the store across from ours is hiring for five to fifteen hours a week, and I've had a ton of old mall employees leave their jobs and complain to me because of how badly they were treated and they weren't making any money anyways. It's horrible. Plus, the fact that by bosses treat me like a human and for some reason they see something in me that I don't.

      I don't know exactly when I'll be able to go see my mom but I really want to. I think I need to. And I would absolutely love to see you when I do. I think you two would get along well and I would like to introduce my mom to my blog mom. The two women who guide me and love me unconditionally.

      I think there's more to reply to but I'm not sure what I'm missing. It's 5:37am here right now. (I just woke up. Nightmares. Yay.) I'm going to try to get some rest but please now how much your support means to me and how much I truly love you.

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    2. You are my darling girl. I imagine mall employees are mistreated, as are servers. Maybe work as an assistant in a preschool where you don't need a degree? We have to come up with something better, where you'll be treated with respect but still have decent pay and days off.

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    3. The main problem is even if I want to work elsewhere, I have no way to get there. I have to get a car before I can even consider another option.

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  2. Sometimes the fight is for survival. After a while, when things stabilize, we can fight to actually live...until the fight for survival hits again. Eventually, with enough time in the second fight, the fight for survival usually gets easier I think. It's so damn hard in the meantime. It sounds as though you're coming through the darkness. I'm sending well wishes and healing thoughts, and I'm a friend of Janie's. My heart, like hers, is in the right place. I also know the lifelong struggle of living with beastly depression. I posted an article in our local paper called A Paralyzing Pain. If reading others' struggles might help you, you can find it halfway down the left side of my blog. Keep faith.
    Robyn

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    1. Oops, I meant that with having spent enough time being able to enjoy life, the fight to survive eases a bit.

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    2. Thank you so much for your kind words, Robyn. Any friend of Janie's is a friend of mine. I sincerely hope that you feel only happiness and love, and that any battles you have are easy and won.

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  3. I'm so sorry to hear you've been going through this. I've been there and it's awful. If you at all can, maybe take a few days off work to decompress? Maybe even take a mini vacation, even if you guys just go find some nature for the day. Take care of yourself. Sending love and hugs and more love and hugs. I'm here if you need me.

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    1. I can't really take any time off right now. The only other opener has a lot of family stuff (her dad is in the hospital and has had two emergency surgeries in three days). I do have a day requested off next month for a day trip for me and my boyfriend. I may try to take a couple extra days but idk if I can because we don't have many employees.

      Thank you for being there for me, Kinley. And I hope your book is out soon so I can read it!

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    2. I hope I get to edit Kinley Dane's book, but if you don't choose me, I won't be upset.

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    3. I hope you'll edit my book when it's ready.

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  4. This situation sounds so familiar...I know this all too well, unfortunately. ::hug:: I've been there and while I won't say it gets better because I go through this every once in a while (lately I've been feeling depressed myself), if you ever need to talk don't hesitate to e-mail me. I usually respond right away. My e-mail is nose.pierced.beauty89@gmail.com. ::hug::

    Love,
    Jessica

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    1. You are such a sweetheart. Thank you. I'm here if you ever need to talk also. My email is pertinax_puella@hotmail.com and my Twitter is @whenalionsleeps so please don't ever feel like you're alone.

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    2. Jessica is so caring. She can be a new friend for you.

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    3. I would like that very much. She seems so kind.

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  5. I have an idea of what it's like. I've been through both clinical and, of course, situational depression (the "my life sucks right now" kind). Naturally, the clinical sort stays with you usually, unfortunately. Just thought I'd let you know that there are people out here who may not know you well, if at all, but who still sympathize and/or empathize. Sending the best of wishes to you.

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    1. Thank you so much. I don't know you but should you ever need somebody who may be able to relate, I'm here. I hope everything works out for you.

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    2. The Silver Fox is an old buddy of mine (I don't mean he's old as I've known him for a long time; he's simply old). Thank you, sir, for visiting my dear girl.

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    3. I will not use the O word on somebody I just met, but any buddy of my Janie's is a buddy of mine.

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  6. Janie sent me over and all I can say is I hope things get better and I'm sorry some of your family are wretched people. I think it's easier to forgive our family members or be more tolerant of their idiocy but no where does it say you HAVE to love them and sometimes walking away is the best thing.

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    1. It took me years to be able to understand that it's okay not to like them. I haven't had contact in most of them in over three years. But I'm still working on the anger I have for everything they've done and trying to accept that it's okay that I don't love them. Because I deserve better and I have to keep telling myself that every day.

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    2. What a great comment from a new friend. You deserve nothing but the best, my baby.

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    3. Everyone here is overwhelmingly kind.

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  7. Janie sent me over, too, & I wish I could give you a BIG hug--people care about you!! I have an ex-brother & I don't feel guilty at all about it.

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    1. fishducky is good people. Her blog will probably make you laugh.

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    2. Fishducky has always been so kind to me. I would love to make friends with her.

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  8. I came over from Janie Jumebug's blog and you are a brave person to discuss your medical issues that affect. You so. I say medical because it is the brain that either gets too much or too little of whatever creates our emotions and, often, doctors do t want to spend the time to understand what the person is dealing with because they have no idea how to combat it. It is an ongoing daily struggle. Your father sounds like he needs an attitude readjustment and maybe his mom contributed to his own negativity. I applaud you for cutting ties to that part of the family that is negative because so many don't. I am g
    Ad your mom and grand mom is there as well as a good support group of friends. Many people are uncomfortable when one mentions depression because they are at a loss how to speak to the person dealing with this illness. Sometimes all a person needs is a listening ear or a little time to forget the hard moments. You have been able to work at a tough, tough job so, again, applause! My ex worked at Radio Shit...um, I mean Shack and the people he would have to deal with just boggled my mind. Anyhow, I hope you can unlock whatever you need to let go of the anger and crap that has befallen you. You are stronger than you realize and that's why I applaud you.

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    1. Birgit is the best. You'll like her blog. I enjoy her movie selections.

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    2. Birgit said some wonderful things and is completely right. The support that I've gotten on this post shocked me. I expected at least one person to tell me to get over it but even the tweets and emails have all been full of love like this comment.

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  9. Yes, yes...fight to live! Glad you have a circle to support you, and Janie is drumming up some more! :)

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    1. I won't let my girl feel she's alone. We are here to support her and love her. Thank you, Andrea.

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    2. Janie is gonna find more support if she has to drag people here by their hair!

      Thank tou both, so much!

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  10. Janie Junebug sent me here and I just want to send positive thoughts your way. I'm sure I'm not alone and I hope you can feel the great energy aimed at you. Take care.

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    1. I'm overwhelmed by all the love and support I've gotten. It brings tears to my eyes knowing how many strangers share the same feelings and how many strangers are willing to reach out purely because they just get it.

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  11. I completely understand the need to work so much yet the work leading you further into depression. And short of Powerball winning just up and quitting isn't much of an option is it? I'm so glad you wrote this post, look how many of us have banded together over it? I know I tend to isolate myself when the depression hits, but you have done a great thing by writing so honestly about it here.

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    1. I tend to isolate myself too and never let anyone know just how bad it can be. But if I don't open up and show that it's okay to be honest, then I feel like I'm hurting somebody else. I want to set a good example and prove things will be okay, even if it doesn't seem like it. But I can't do that if I lock myself away.

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  12. You're getting some good advice from a variety of sources and I can't add much to the discussion except this: I've been where you are, felt similarly, saw some frighteningly black days. So much about life is out of our control. Choose a new path wherever you can Turn away from those things you cannot live with or change. Preserve "happy" and kick the rest to the curb. I wish I could sort out the good and the bad for you, but it doesn't work that way. I am, however, a great prayer...and you got 'em.

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    1. I feel like I'm going to be sorting things into boxes. "Good, things that make me happy, keep." "Bad, throw away, set on fire." But it's wonderful advice. Thank you Cherdo.

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  13. Hi Rachel. I, too, am here from Jane's blog. I'm so sorry to hear what a hard time you're having. I've suffered with clinical depression and OCD in the past and I can relate to so much of what you say here. I would just like to tell you that even when you're in the lowest pits of depression and anxiety, and it feels like you will never feel good again, please know that DEPRESSION LIES. I have spent weeks on end thinking things would never get better and wanting to die, but these days life is so good, and it can be for you, too. When I went through my last bad time (in my twenties) I had no money and no health insurance but I was able to get low cost and free help from the local mental health clinic. They had shit for counselors, but the prescriptions they were able to write helped enormously. Maybe that is something to check into? Just a thought. In any case, know that there are people out there rooting for you and wanting to help, and count me among them. ♡

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    1. *Janie, not Jane. Damn autocorrect strikes again!

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    2. Ahhhh, autocorrect that sneaky bitch!

      Thank you for your suggestion Jennifer! It's not something I had realized as a possibility before. I'm not sure where the clinic is or how I would get there (between my schedule and my boyfriend's, who has the car, we're usually only together at night). But it's a brilliant suggestion and I'll for sure look into it. Thank you!

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  14. I'm visiting from Janie's blog. I find it courageous of you to open up about your depression and anxiety. Sometimes writing or sharing with someone about it helps ease the emotional battle inside. I rarely tell people about dealing with depression and anxiety. I tell myself that they don't care, that there is always someone who is in a worse situation and then I feel guilty for feeling sad about my own life. Life sucks sometimes, and you have to dig really hard to find the positive. I do believe that God sends whispers of encouragement, and they usually are just whispers. It could be a smile from a friend, a kind word from a stranger, or maybe just a beautiful sunset. It's those small things that get me through the day. It looks like you are trying to have a good mindset, to fight to live instead of just fighting to survive. I need to think that way more often. :)

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    1. I should think like you more often. Little whispers of encouragement. That's beautiful!

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  15. I am not sure what words I should use to tell you that you are are important, special and loved.
    Everyday is a day that you have to choose to try. Depression come from everywhere and attacks our self worth. Some day the best thing that happened to me was cutting some green leafs and putting them in a vase.
    I have three autoimmune diseases that makes everyday a fog of heightened feeling and pain.
    So depression is always around the corner.
    I am still fighting off depression from my abusive x and how he treated our children. He still is in contact with me because of business, soon to go away.
    Our children have no use for him and do not contact him. So understand when I say just because they are family does not mean you have to like or love them.
    If your mother is alone it is her choice.
    I always have the rope that even to this day pulls me into the believe that it is sad that the x is without our family. But again his choice of this path has lead him here and he is now surrounded by "his" family of brother, sisters with their hands out.
    I know this will sound false but things will be better. You can not change what or how people act.
    Just take care of yourself.

    Janie's blog friend gayle

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    1. My dad was/is abusive as well. Mostly to my mom because she protected me. Even knowing this, I never wanted to admit that he didn't love me. I'm his only kid, so surely he would love me right? No, and I have to deal with that. But it's not my fault. He's crazy and doesn't know love. I should pity him because he'll never know what I have. At least, that's what I keep telling myself.

      So sorry to hear about your ex. If you ever need somebody who can relate, I'm here for you.

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  16. As someone who lives with depression, I empathize. The cloud that sits on my head like gassy sumo wrestler comes and goes when it pleases, often made worse by stress. I'm so sorry you're going through this right now and hope that the cloud moves on soon. I have a wonderful spouse who doesn't fully understand what I go through but knows to just be there and listen. The way I've found to cope is to literally talk to my brain. "Knock it off, Brain, you're a lying liar filled with lies. Stop lying to me, dumb Brain." It sounds silly, and it is, but it works for me.

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    1. It sounds silly, but it sounds brilliant. There is such a thing as mind over matter. That isn't to say you can choose to just get over something with the snap of your fingers, but if you're fighting to be happy and you're trying to shut up the lying liar filled with lies, then it for sure helps.

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  17. I am so sorry all this happened to you. Depression is a beast. I've been battling it for years as well and certain days start well, but most days don't. You wrote about what you're feeling in this post and that took guts. Sharing, usually helps. Wishing much happiness to come. You deserve it.

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    1. Thank you so much and I hope you find happiness you. YOU deserve it.

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  18. Hi Rachel, I'm visiting from Janie's place as well. I know it can be weird to have strangers just show up and say hello and that we'll pray for you, but Janie "inspires" us that way. ;) She's a fierce friend and supporter and I'm so glad she's in your corner. I'm sorry you have such assholes in your family and for all the other troubles you're living with. But I'm offering you a big virtual hug and the hopes that you will come out of the darkness very soon. And I love that you've decided to fight to live...not only to survive.

    -andi

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    1. It's strange to have so many strangers tell me that they care and they support me, but is wonderful and overwhelming in the best way possible. Janie is a saint sent from Heaven and I love how she inspires people to be kind. She inspires me every time I talk to her.

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  19. Damn, sorry we're late. We didn't know you posted this until Janie mentioned it. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hell of a time, with family and with depression, and while it's not a huge comfort, just know you're not alone. I have depression too, and as you mentioned, one of the things that scares me the most is that it IS always in the back of my mind, even when I'm on medication and feeling better. It's still lurking there, waiting to come back. It's a daunting feeling, knowing a good day can instantly become a terrible one, but I don't let that dictate my day. Or my life. What Pickleope said is true. I also talk to my brain. Actually saying it confirms it - something bad just happened, but it will NOT ruin my day. My happiness is my own, and no rude asshole has any right to take that from me.

    Remember, we're around if you ever want someone to bitch to. You have our e-mail address, or our Twitter if you feel like bitching in 140 characters or less.

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    1. It helps to know that some of the funniest guys I know deal with depression too. You and Pickleope gave some amazing advice. It's so easy to think, "This shitty thing happened to me so this is a shitty day". But that's not always the case. The only time I ever got pulled over, I was on my way to a concert and had one of the best nights of my life. It's important to try to remember the good over the bad and make the bad as insignificant as possible.

      I'm pretty good at bitching in 140 characters or less so I may have to take you up on that.

      For real though, thank you guys.

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  20. This one absolutely kills me to read. I can not imagine learning that my father didn't love me and I can't imagine my grandmother dying let alone dying by herself with my own remorse. I can imagine the devil side of your brain though. I have horrible anxiety that my dr somewhat controls with a cocktail of drugs. Point is, I know what it's like to know something is your mental state but still not be able to stop it or control it. People don't understand that your brain controls how long you obsess over that one thing or things. Anyways, I'm not going to pretend I get what you're going through but know that I am here to talk. If you ever want to reach out to me you know my email. I'll even email you my phone number.

    Kudos to you for fighting through it all. Especially for dealing with the people who don't get it. My husband doesn't get anxiety and seems to think it's a choice. I know it's not a choice and I know it's something that no one else outside of your brain can get. I'm here if you need to talk. Xo

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    1. You are an absolute sweetheart.

      I've never been close to my dad but I've always loved him. I thought he at least loved me because I'm his child, if nothing else, but no. I'm just a pawn to him. And he's my dad so I still love him. I feel like I must be crazy for it. I used to hate myself for loving him and I'm trying not to go back to that place. I shouldn't let myself be weighed down with hatred when there are wonderful people like you reaching out and even willing to give out your phone number.

      I can't thank you enough.

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    2. You are not crazy for loving your father!! It just makes you a good person. Probably a better person than most.

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    3. I don't think I'm better than most by any means. I wish I could let things go but I think I've finally stopped hoping for a miracle on his end.

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  21. First time visitor... just wanted to say thank you for snapping me from a "feel sorry for yourself" streal. You see, I seem to have the set of symptoms that are just enough to make one annoying... depression that looks for a bone to chew, but can be beaten back if you don't allow it (and you're paying attention when it hits). I salute you for your ability to put that foot in front of the other and win. I with my much lighter problems constantly wish I could just give up. But it doesn't have to be that way.

    And while I really can't add anything too constructive, I have to say that I laughed at "Douche Battleship".

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    1. Though I wish I could, I can't take credit for "douche battleship". That would have come from my friends, Megan, Jillian, and Caitie. (They're all on Twitter if you'd like to tweet them.) I WISH I had come up with it. My contribution was a "douche gondola" but battle ships are bigger.

      Please stay strong. Know that I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. Things always get better, even if it doesn't feel like it.

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  22. Thanks for following and commenting on my blog, sweet new friend.
    I was thinking of all the horrible traumas I went through at your age, and how young you are. Believe me, it gets better. I can't tell you how long it takes, and/or what it takes, but some of the crap sorts itself out and we manage to sort ourselves out through it all. Keep faith and a smile.

    PS Janie and blogland are full of heart. Right? Love them both!

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    1. One thing that drives me absolutely mad is when people think I haven't been through anything because I'm only 22. I usually end up snapping with, "Oh? How about an abusive dad so bad my mom ran through Hurricane Katrina to get away from him? Does that count?"

      Age doesn't decide what you've been through and thank you so much for understanding that. I'm so sorry for any traumas you've had but they've shaped you into a lovely person.

      PS You're completely right! I think Janie brings out the heart in blog land.

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  23. It sounds as though you're handling things well, despite all that you've written about. The struggle with depression is debilitating. I went through it when I was as old as you and I know how paralysing it can be. Good luck and a big hug.

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    1. Thank you! I'm trying my best and I sincerely hope it's good enough.

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  24. Rachel, my heart goes out to you. Sorry I'm so late getting to your post. Remember that each day can have something special for you, stay close to your higher power. And make sure you get the support you need as well to fight your depression, whether it be medication or counseling. Many agencies will help,if funds are low as well. God bless, sweet lady.

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    1. God bless you also, Miss Linda. Thank you for stopping by. Never apologize if you're late here. You're always welcome!

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  25. Rachel, Janie Junebug told me come by for a visit, so I did. I don't know what you deal with on a day-to-day basis, but my heart goes out to you. Any mood swings I have are hormone related and I realize that's probably a splash in the bucket to someone who truly suffers. I'm glad you have a place to spill the beans and let your hair down. We all need an escape. You'll find most in Blogosphere are not only forgiving for the lapse in posts, but are here to cheer you on, lift you up, and make you smile. My prayers are you'll find inner peace so these demons don't haunt you. God blessings to you, dearie and have a good week...what's left of it anyhow!

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