One second, I would be fine. I would be living life as normal. (Or as normal as it gets for somebody living in an abusive household- thanks Dad.)
Then the next second, I would feel almost like I was dreaming. All of my senses were muted. It was like I was watching myself from far away and unable to do anything, even though I was in full control of my body.
I didn't have it for years, until about three months ago. I had even forgotten about it.
Then it came out of nowhere during a high stress situation at work. I was fine and then I blinked and realized my coworker had been talking to me, for who knows how long, and I hadn't heard any of it. I couldn't remember when she started talking or if I had responded or what I had been doing before that.
I immediately texted my best friend, the girl known here as Sissi, because she's been my sister for the last ten years. I did what I could to explain it to her and she said that it sounded like disassociation, that I needed to be around things that provided extra feelings so I could feel anything at all. Like being outside in the cold or eating something spicy.
A customer came in with a dog and I found that I was okay, as long as my hand was on the dog. I have almost no recollection of what happened when I wasn't petting the dog.
I tried my best to explain it to my coworkers, because I knew I needed help. I wasn't functioning properly, which is terrifying, but I was too numb to really feel scared.
Today, I came across this:
There it is. That's the feeling.
That's what I tried to explain for years when I was a child and the feeling Sissi finally gave me a name for just three months ago.
And I wasn't the only person who struggled with this, who thought they were crazy or maybe even dying.
There are probably hundreds of replies now and thousands of retweets.
Positive thought of the day: There will always be people who understand and people who can help you put into words, or art, or music, whatever it is that it seems nobody else understands. I am not alone. You are not alone.