Thursday, February 9, 2017

It's Up To You

One of my best friends asked me, on the days when my mental health is doing its worst, how do I still get out of bed and go to work? He asked me this back in January and I've been trying to come up with an intelligent answer since then.

For those of you who don't know, I deal with depression and various degrees of anxiety. I also work with the public, which is known to be extremely difficult for those with the best mental health and even worse for those who have a broken brain, like I do.

I call it a broken brain because I feel like it doesn't work properly, but that's not actually true. My brain works just as well as anyone else's, even on my worst days. But I feel like it's not, because I feel like everything is overwhelming and I'll never do anything worthwhile, so what's the point?

A long, long time ago, I read something that said: I can give you all the writing and English lessons in the world, but nothing I can tell you will make a difference, unless you're actually writing.

And that stuck with me.

If I don't write, nobody else will take the ideas and words from my brain to make the blog post or book or poem.

If I don't get up, nobody can make me, even if everyone is telling me how and telling me I need to.

If I don't go to work, nobody can force me to go, but they'll all be begging me to do something to support myself (and Cashew the hamster).

If I don't shower, first of all I'll stink...but nobody else can make me do that.

Everything I do, comes down to me. I have to be the one to do it, because often times, I'm the only one who is capable. 

Sure, somebody could take my place at work and my mom could pay my bills, but so what? 

Nobody else is capable of making me be an adult but myself.

And a lot of times, being an adult sucks. I would know- I lost a job, started packing up that store, got my period, and found out I owed $600 in taxes in less than 24 hours. 

But a lot of times, being an adult is awesome. I would know- I had cereal for lunch on Monday after sleeping until 1, get to dye my hair whatever colors I want (currently red), get to wear whatever I want, get to do literally whatever I want (okay, I mean, there are laws because murder and stuff but you know what I mean). 

Nobody can tell me not to have six pieces of cake for breakfast (well you can, but you can't stop me). Nobody can tell me not to dye my hair bright blue (unless your my boss but legally, unless it's in a handbook, you can't do anything about it). Nobody can tell me not to stay up until two am watching Disney movies and texting my friends while snacking on Doritos.

Sometimes it just all comes down to you. What are you willing to do for yourself (and your pet hamster)?

Positive thought of the day: I'm dying my hair tomorrow and I have lasagna for dinner.

6 comments:

  1. I have that thought too sometimes: I can do whatever the hell I want to. I'm an adult! It's funny how we seem to forget it sometimes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forget it constantly, but then I get overwhelmed with this sense of freedom for getting to do whatever the hell I want.

      Delete
  2. Getting divorced was one of the best things that ever happened to me. I finally get to make my own decisions and no one is leaning on me and telling me that everything I do is wrong. I just tried almond milk. It's quite tasty. It's kind of expensive, but I got to make the decision to buy the bottle and try it.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like almond milk! The vanilla one is really good in cereal. My favorite way to have it is in Honey Nut Cheerios. It just goes well together.

      When did I learn that? In my adult life when I made the decision to buy it with my own damn money and try it just because I could.

      Love,
      Rachel

      Delete
    2. oooh , ya know what's really good? especially in coffee or other "need for cream" drinks? COCONUT CREAM! I'm not talking "coconut beverage", found on the same shelf as the almond milk... I'm talking unsweetened coconut CREAM, found in a CAN, on the grocery shelf. I use it in baking, or when I make homemade ice cream, or if I'm on a coffee binge (I don't actually like coffee, but I go through phases of drinking it just because). Ya know how I know all this? 'Cuz I'm an ADULT. :)

      Delete
    3. I've never had that but I'm definitely looking into it now!

      Delete