Thursday, August 30, 2012

WTF Is This Shit?

     I have been waiting to write this post since like Saturday night, but I had to write a super long post about stuff that is so crazy I can't make it up. Well, this is also too crazy to make up, but I have real proof. I took screenshots (and a couple pictures that I uploaded from my phone after I texted them to Wolfie because seriously, what the fuck is this shit that I stumbled upon?)

     Every couples days (sometimes every day), I, like most people who write a blog, go to the statistics page to see what post is popular, how many page views I have, where are ya'll finding my blog from, and what keywords have brought people to my blog. Sometimes it's a little funny, what keywords are used, but I honestly don't even have that many considering how long I've had this blog (which, granted, compared to most of you isn't long at all but that isn't my point).

     Earlier this week, I was checking on the stats and got pretty excited because somebody had found my blog using some search words. I like seeing search words because it lets me know what you guys what to see. Even though it's my blog and I'll post what I want to, I like to be able to include stuff that people might actually want to hear about (this is your subtle hint to tell me what you guys might want to hear more or or something entirely random you think I should post about). To be able to include that, I have to know it, so the search words help with that.

     But this... Where do I even begin...? I guess I'll start with the picture that I sent to Wolfie when I first opened the stats page and discovered what was waiting for me.

    Oh. Well. I just looked and it appears that I accidentally deleted that picture but my computer is laggy so I'm not going back to edit everything that I've written so far.

     Moving on... What it read when I saw it was, "boring wife sleeps and wants to fuck". Feel free to read that as many times as you need to since that is so completely random.

     Since I don't have the picture, I'm going to copy/paste the conversation I was having with Brother on Skype at the same time I was texting Wolfie. Actually, I told Brother first because my hands were shaking too much to try to text on an iPhone because I was freaking out that much

Rachel: I just literally almost screamed.... or shrieked...
Rachel: Entry Pageviews
paper towel restroom ladies 68
towel dispenser 85
towel dispenser women
boring wife sleeps and wants to fuck
Brother: LOL
Rachel: I CAN'T EVEN
Rachel: HOW THE
Rachel: NO
Rachel: JUST NO
Rachel: So much confusion
Brother: yeah, idk man
Rachel: It's funny but it's also so what the shit
Brother: even by, like, a porn standard, that doesnt make any fucking sense
Rachel: lol
Rachel: But like
Rachel: If it was porn
Rachel: Somebody was looking for it
Rachel: On my blog
Brother: .... you mean this isn't from google?
Brother: wow
Brother: I don't even
Rachel: No
Rachel: Its from google
Rachel: But
Rachel: They found my blog?
Rachel: I'm almost certain I've never talked about sleeping wives and fucking
Brother: boring sleeping wives
Rachel: Right, sorry
Rachel: Oh
Rachel: My
Rachel: Gosh
Rachel: Search it on Google
Rachel: Just do it
Brother: it's all porn
Rachel: Not all. Third from the bottom. The "I'm So Fucking Bored" post.
Brother: oh... I think I have safe search off
Rachel: lol
Rachel: Nice to know somebody was looking for porn when they found my site
Rachel: Not sorry to disappoint them but whatever
Brother: I wonder if they stuck around

     As you can see, I was freaking out a little bit. Until now, I'm pretty positive the word "porn" has never even been in my blog. I'm also almost certain I have never mentioned sex in any way on here. Why? Because I don't fucking talk about it! I'm the type of person who doesn't even get sex jokes. You can ask Sissi, Brother, Sis, Wolfie, Momma, and basically everyone else I know. I literally have to stop and think about it and there's a decent chance I still won't get it.

     And yet, somebody looking for porn found my blog.

     The post that they found was about how bored I was because I hadn't worked in a long time so all I had to do was sit on my ass and post a bunch of random pictures including oddly shaped food, random shit from the mall, random shit from other places, and a crap load of license plates. Don't believe that the post was innocent? Check it out right here. The I'm So Fucking Bored post.

     That is what was found in their search for porn. My guess is that they didn't stick around long, but who knows, they might be reading this right now. (Hello random person who was looking for porn and found my blog. I'm sorry, but the only porn related thing here is ironically, that there is nothing porn related.)

     Now, it is time for proof. As always, click to enlarge the picture so you can actually see it.

A screenshot of every search word used to find my blog, as of abest 45 minutes ago.

     As you probably guessed by my conversation with Brother, I Googled the same thing that person did. Why? Because I wanted to see what post could possibly have some vague reference to make somebody thing there would be porn on my blog and just how many pages did they have to go through to find my blog.

The first half of the screenshots of the Google screen.

The second half of the screenshots of the Google screen.

A picture I sent to Wolfie in a text, which I didn't delete, but for some reason deleted the other one.
     As Wolfie pointed out, "It's right under something about a brother raping his sister." Which, again, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Seriously. I don't even know. I can't even comprehend this, okay? It's like when I try to do math, nothing makes any fucking sense.

     Then, to top all of this off, I found something on the stats page of the blog I share with Mercedes. Since I'm always shamelessly self-promoting that blog, you can check it out here. It has a bunch of recipes and random shit and will eventually have other stuff but we each only post once a week and she's been unable to post recently.

There is no way to express how much this pissed me off.
     I'm not mad that somebody found my blog looking for porn. Honestly, I don't even care if you watch it or look at it or whatever the correct phrase is. It doesn't concern me and it's none of my business. You can (probably) make your own choices and I don't give a fuck what your opinion is on it because I just don't care.

     What I do care about though, is that somebody found our blog that was looking for child porn. Unless that person was a twelve year old kid, I can't even express to you how much I would like to physically harm the person who typed those words in. And, if that was a twelve year old looking for it, why the fuck do you even know what porn in? You're too young for that shit. Go play outside and be a kid while you're a kid.

     There honestly aren't even words for how angry this makes me. I haven't even told Mercedes yet and I'm honestly scared to, because she's got two little girls. Those are children. If you want to look at them in a situation like that, get your motherfucking head checked and stay the fuck off my blog. Pedophiles are only welcome in prison. Not my blog.

P.S. I wonder how many people are going to find this post from how many times I said "porn". Which is pretty ironic considering the point is to say that there is no porn here. 

P.S. #2 I dropped a lot of f-bombs and said "sex" a couple times too. That will probably make my page views go higher too.


  1. This is hilarious. You'd be surprised some of the pornographic searches that can get you traffic, even for the most innocent of posts.

    Also, I don't understand the search term. I mean, she's boring, she's sleeping... and she wants to fuck? It just doesn't add up.

    1. I'm glad you think it's so funny! I never thought about the fact that people looking for porn might some how find my blog because there's nothing about that on here... but it is pretty funny now.

      I don't understand it either! Nobody I told about it before posting it could make sense of it, but it was pretty much decided it has to be porn because that's the only thing that remotely makes sense.

  2. That is so bizarre! It seems like porn is interwoven in everything on the internet. But what the crap about the child porn thing??? That is disgusting.

    Michael is unable to view my blog, because there is a saftey block on his computer and my blog comes up as porn! Can you believe that? It really upset me at first, seeing as how I rarely even curse on my blog, but now it just makes me laugh because it is so absurd.

    1. Right????? I couldn't believe it! Especially with the child porn. I almost punched something but the only thing in front of me was the laptop and that wouldn't solve anything.

      haha That is so dumb! Your blog is so nice though! I mean, I can kind of understand mine because I use so many f-bombs but yours? That's ridiculous!

  3. I know i shouldn't be laughing, but when you I saw that picture of the google search again i just had to bust out laughing remembering that day pretty clearly, also we need to get you a punching bag for your anger issues xP.

    What's not funny at all is someone was looking for kiddy porn. That's pretty sick and disturbing on so many levels.

    1. I knew you were going to end up laughing because you were laughing when I told you about it before. So it's okay, it is kinda funny. =P

      And yes, I do need a punching bag. lol But that was totally deserved because I want to punch some sick bastard who deserves it!

      That is really fucked up and sick. I can't believe that I even saw that.