Monday, September 17, 2012

I'm Angry

     Around two this morning, I started writing up a post about how I spent the weekend, but I only got some of it done before my brain was just like "lol no more thinking for you" and I couldn't finish it. I was planning on finishing it today, but the rain knocked my internet out on my laptop. But before I could get it working again, something happened that pissed me the fuck off.

     This is where I'm going to say that you should just skip this post and read about when I "married" Sissi in my second ever post or when I almost died at the orthodontist a few months ago. I won't mind (especially if you leave a comment). I just need to vent right now.

     I know I haven't actually graduated from my online highschool yet, but that's not actually something my dad knows. He's the type of person who would do everything to cause trouble and even when I told him that I hated public school, he just didn't care. He didn't care that I was being bullied and that I couldn't go to school without getting stress stomachaches that put me in the emergency room many times. So, I left without telling him and he thinks I graduated public school at the end of the last school year, when I'm actually in the online school.

     For the past year, his side of the family has been on my case nonstop about going to college. They have never cared before. My dad has two trucks (with GPS, DVD players, huge speakers with an expensive radio, etc), a boat, a motorcycle, a three bedroom house, and a motherfucking horse. My point? He never had any sort of college fund for me. Ever.

     Actually, nobody in my entire family has ever had a college fund for me except Grandma (my mom's mom). It had $300 in it, until she had to add to her collection of clothes (a closet the size of a small bedroom, three other closets, and boxes in the attic) when she started a new job last year.

     I'm not going to just go to college when I want to do something that doesn't require a degree and I would have no possible way to pay back the loans. I would put myself into debt for no reason, when I had a job when I told them I wasn't going and when I'm about to have a new job (seriously, I go to the restaurant in like a week).

     Here's the thing, I never said I would never go to college. I told everyone that I'll go for part time and/or online classes when I can afford it and when I have time. I told them what I would be going for but that I just can't right now. Even if I had the money (you know, if somebody cared enough to even give me a college fund), I wouldn't have the time or the ability to cope with that kind of stress. There are other things that I need to focus on, instead of a degree that I don't need.

     And yet, everything that my dad's side of the family can focus on is that I'm not going.

     Phone call to say hi? Why am I not going to college? Card for 'graduation'? Lecture about why I should go. I call them to say I got the card and thank them? More lecturing about why I should go, that they're sorry for lecturing, but I should go to college to make my father happy.

     I'm not even fucking kidding. Memaw (dad's mom) literally told me that I should go to college to make my dad happy and that I could never open or run a daycare without a college degree because apparently, I know nothing about kids (even after babysitting my cousins [including two of the three with muscular dystrophy who needed special care] when I was 11 and starting legit babysitting jobs when I was 15).

      When I was six, I wanted to be a teacher. That was almost thirteen years ago. Around that same time, I wanted to be a vet. Guess what? Those are the only things they remember me ever wanting to be. Nothing about my love for music or writing or photography. Nothing about the daycare I talk about wanting to open, all the fucking time.

     After the lectures about not going to college, it's always "But you would be such a good teacher!" When I say I couldn't deal with stress 20+ kids in one room without help, they're just like "But you get training for that!" Um, what the fuck? You don't get training for the stress. You get training to make sure you can do basic first aid and teach them correctly. There is nothing about stress in that.

     This all started, again, this afternoon. My dad texted my mom out of no where, asking why I hadn't checked my email. Then he started going on and on about how he never wanted me to have to worry about money like he does. He doesn't worry about it; he spends it. Everyone who knows him will agree. He was basically ordering my mom to tell me to check out this super long list of scholarship sites because he wants me to go to college because it will make him happy.

     Momma kept telling him that I'm an adult so it's my choice and she's not going to tell me what to do. I understand the whole "wanting what's best for your kid" thing but he doesn't want what's best for me. That's just a line he's using because he wants me to do what he wants because he wants to make sure I'll have enough money to take care of him when he's old and sick from smoking and drinking only alcohol or caffeine and never doing anything healthy.

     Where's the part of encouraging me to do what will make me happy with my life? Where's the part of offering support and telling me to do what I want to do with my life? Where's the support for trying to make sure I have a job for the past three years? I have never gotten any of that from him or his side of the family.

     All I get is lectures and them telling me what to do and trying to control me. I can't remember one time when they ever supported anything I've ever done. Even though Grandma and Grandpa don't exactly agree and they still want me to go to college, they said they're proud that I have a job. They ask me how things are going and ask if  I still enjoy it. They actually show support even if they don't like it and aren't great at hiding it. At least they're trying.

     I'm about to be nineteen and I've been more adult than kid even when I was twelve. (You can ask Mom, I'm not kidding.) I've been making my own choices for as long as I can remember and I've always done what I thought was best- most of the time I'm right. Even if I'm not, it's my life and I deserve some mother fucking respect and support from my own fucking family.

     And to end this, all I'm going to say, is that if my dad forgets my birthday like we're all certain he did, I'm fucking done with this bullshit. I'll call him out on Facebook and I'm going to stand up to him and I'm going to make sure that he and his family know the hell they're putting me through.


  1. I'm sorry to hear you're angry, but let me just say this: I have a bachelor's degree. It's a nice little $50,000 paperweight that I'll be paying off until I'm 40. I did not learn a single thing in college, and I only used the paperweight so that I could get a job. If you can get a job without the paperweight, and you can hold that job, then save yourself the debt.

    1. I'm sorry that your paperweight is so expensive and that it's practically useless. But thank you. Hearing that made me feel like my point is even more valid.