I am writing you this open letter as a sort of log, of all the things you do that make me want to punch you in the throat. This list is far from complete, seeing as we've been inhabiting the same apartment since last November and I am starting this log in June. Please, refer to this if you ever wonder why Wolfy and I don't want to live with you. Also, please refer this to any potential roommate in the future, so that they have a fair warning of what lays ahead.
Up until this date, you have done quite a few things that make me insane, including but not limited to: Leaving the kitchen drawers open so food gets in the nice clean cookware, hogging the kitchen for eight hours at a time to cook a week's worth of food that is then stored in tupaware containers that takes two out of three shelves in the fridge, getting so much grease and dirt on the floor that it turned gray and I had to scrub it up for four hours on my hands and knees, clogging the dryer lent trap, leaving beer bottle caps all over the floor, making popcorn in an open skillet and not cleaning up the layer of popcorn in the kitchen and living room that it causes, trying to prove that yes you can get laid by saying "hey Rachel!" while you and the barely clothed woman were dressing with your door wide open, spilling things in various locations without wiping it up so that it then dries and stains or take far too long to scrub up, only cleaning your own bathroom one single time since I have lived here up until this point, trying to overcompensate by needing to have a larger TV that you play on near max volume in the living room while Wolfy and I are unable to hear a thing from our TV, randomly shutting of the A/C and ice maker when the weather was reaching 90 degrees outside, even causing Wolfy to say "I think he may be trying to flirt with you" (which I automatically responded that I would sic him on you, if I didn't kick you ass myself), stealing our food, using our dishes but never cleaning them... The list goes on, but I'll get to the actual dated things now.
Monday, June 9th
We were all hanging out in the living room, as we do. The TV was far too loud and I couldn't hear what I was trying to watch on Wolfy's TV. We still don't understand why, when our big TV was in the living room first, did you move your TV out of your bedroom but that is besides the point. After scattering beer bottle caps and popcorn all over the place, you farted loudly. Not once was there an "excuse me" or anything similar. I strongly considered punching you in the throat but the wave of stink knocked the breath out of me. I decided to stick the air fresheners that stick to walls, up under your chair. I have yet to do this but only because I need to buy those air fresheners first.
Tuesday, June 10th
I had the day off from work so I made it my project to clean out the cabinets and pantry for expired food. From your seasonings, I threw away stuff that expired as far back as 2009. From the pantry, I threw away expired food from all the way back to 2011. I filled up half a garbage bag (the other half was already full with garbage). It weighed so much, that it took me ten minutes to get to the dumpster on a usual two to three minute walk. The bag also ripped and some unknown liquid dropped down my legs and feet. In the pantry, I made almost two more shelves of space. I only threw one thing away that belonged to Wolfy and I, a mostly empty box of hot chocolate that only recently expired. Wolfy seemed quite happy with how organized everything was. You, Roommate? Oh, no. You walked to the pantry, talked to yourself for five minutes, then went to your chair and sat down. After staring at the blank TV screen for nearly half an hour, you went to your room, laid on your bed with the door open for another half hour, and then returned to your chair...to clip your toenails. I vowed to my friends that if I found a single toenail clipping, it would make it's way into your pre-cooked food. This has yet to happen.
Wednesday, June 11th
Why, yes, that is today. Today, I was off from work again, so I decided that cleaning out the fridge would be my next project. It was not a difficult task. There was not much to throw out, but everything that was thrown out, was yours. Most things, like yesterday, had never been opened or only been eaten out of once. Did you know that you have three things of mayo in there? Because you do. Please consume what you have, before buying more. I finished it fairly quickly and saw the three pound block of hamburger meat that needed to be cut up and two pounds put into the freezer. Let me walk you through what happened.
First, I took the hamburger meat out of the fridge and set it on the counter. Then, I got a plate to cu it on. Next, I went to the silverware drawer and grabbed a knife. Wait. I stopped, looked closely at your silverware in our drawer, then proceeded to scream "THAT MOTHER FUCKER". I took a picture as evidence of your crime, then threw the silverware into the sink. Literally. I threw it. Then I proceeded to scream, "THAT SON OF A BITCH", but quickly set the knife down since I was suddenly feeling very stabby. What did you do, you ask?
Here, a closer look for you.
You only own three pieces of silverware. How you can possibly over look such a gross amount of food on that silverware and put it into the drawer of clean silverware, I will never know. If it happens again, it may just find it's way into the dumpster with all of your expired food. I would just hate for that to happen, especially if Wolfy and I lock up our silverware so that you can't use it.
Roommate, you are thirty something years old. This behavior is only acceptable at the ages of three and under. You are not Peter Pan so it's time for you to grow up now please.
Rachel, the girl that you think can't take care of herself but would have already throat punched you if it wasn't illegal