Sunday, July 19, 2015

How To Survive A Period (for guys and girls)

     This post was inspired by the fact I feel like I'm being murdered from the inside out.

     General Knowledge:
     A period is what happens when a female hasn't gotten pregnant for the last month and her uterus decides that she must be punished. The punishment includes bleeding out of the vagina, cramps, intense hunger or cravings, nausea, headaches, tiredness, moodiness, an aching body (particularly the back), upset stomachs, and probably more. These are honestly just what I go through.

     Periods happen, usually, once a month. Some times birth control or health factors cause that to change. The average girl gets her first period around 10-12 and gets it regularly until the 50's or so (when menopause starts- AKA living hell for everyone involved). Some girls have gotten them as young as five (the youngest pregnant girl ever was five- Google it) and some people don't get menopause until super late. Because nature is fantastic or something.

    Fun Fact:
     Not really fun but I only recently found out that a period cramp is actually a small labor contraction. It's caused by all the girly organs squeezing and saying, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA ME", much like when a baby is born. Only instead of a baby, it's the lining of the uterus. So, basically, you're giving birth to part of an internal organ.

     For Girls:
    Obviously, use something to catch the blood. You can do your own research on that because I'm not a medical professional and there are certain dangers with each thing. However, if you bleed on your clothes or sheets, run it under cold water and add detergent. Let it run and soak until it fades out. Once it fades until there's just no more change in color, wash it regularly in the laundry immediately.

     As soon as I see blood, I take ibruprofen because I have extreme cramps that have incompasitated me before. If I haven't eaten within the past hour, I go eat, to protect the lining of my stomach and my liver. I take the ibruprofen regularly until I stop birthing out my uterin wall.

     Heating pads on the back and stomach help force the body to stop contracting so it relieves pain. The same thing goes for hot drinks, like tea or coffee. The hot drinks can also help with the exhaustion because they usually have caffeine in them. It's super important to remember to drink regular water though or it will eventually damage your kidneys and liver, plus you need to stay hydrated.

     A lot of people say that stretching or exorcising work. It actually makes it worse for me so I tend to spend most of my time in the fetal position, wishing I had been born a man. Meditation does help some, though I lay down when I do it because I also get a lot of back pains so that helps relieve the pressure, instead of sitting up.

     Like basically anything, staying distracted is a huge help. If you can keep your mind of being in pain, you will feel better because the pain won't be the main focus.

     Remembering to breath is a big thing. I end up in so much pain that I just hold my breath automatically. Forcing deep breaths helps prevent you from hyperventilating and can help relax your body some.

     When I get hungry, I eat. I eat right away because my body is as bitchy as I am. If I don't eat, I'll feel like puking my guts out and won't be able to eat for several hours. Even if it's not a meal, I get a snack. I won't go anywhere anything with dairy products though because they upset stomachs easily.

      Fun Fact:
     One time, I was so hungry on a period that I ate seven plates of food and kept going back for more until my mom cut me off. She was scared I was going to throw up from eating so much. I never felt sick from eating all that food (though I wouldn't recommend it either).

     For Guys:
     If she wants food, buy her food. Especially if she is craving something. If she gets what she's craving, she will be less likely to scream at you for something stupid.

     If she gets super mad or depressed, understand that she knows she is most likely overreacting but the hormones in her body are making her crazy. Do not call her crazy. You'll have to wait it out and take care of the problem when she's calm.

     If you ask if she's on her period, you deserve whatever she does to you. Full warning: There is a 99% chance it will be violent.

     If she calls you, especially multiple times, answer her. There is a good chance that she's stuck in the bathroom and either needs you to go on an emergency trip to the store or to bring her some new pants from the closet.

     On that note, don't question why there is an extra pair of underwear next to the blood-catcher she has chosen to use. There is a high chance she will not like that.

     Also on that note, if you have to go to the store, go the the fucking store, you stupid cunt. Yeah. I went there. If she's bleeding out of hers, the least you can do is keep her from staining anything and everything she comes into contact with. Don't expect her to buy condoms if you can't buy a box of pads, tampons, or that weird cup thing.

     ^That would be an example of getting angry out of nowhere. I'm not changing it.

     If you want to be taken care of when you're in pain or sick, then you should do the same for her. Yeah, it happens every month, but that doesn't change how horrible it is to go through. We don't just "get used to it" and yes it is "as bad as we say". If you say otherwise, every woman who has ever had a period will form an angry mob with torches and pitchforks and track you down.

     In Conclusion:
     I'm going to go eat a horrible amount of Snickers and probably cry about something that happened 15 years ago, while laying in the fetal position and birthing out part of an organ.


  1. I cringed and laughed through all of this. I can instantly tell when the wife is on hers, just based on how she reacts to me. Like, if I normally ask her "Did you salt this yet? It tastes like it could use some seasoning" while cooking dinner, she'll respond with a simple, "No, I didn't actually, would you please do that?" During her period her answer tends to be, "WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEAN? ARE YOU SAYING MY COOKING IS SHIT?"

    1. I made you laugh? The comedian blogger(s)? I am very proud of myself. I fully expected all guys to cringe though so that's not surprising.

      My mom was able to tell by the color of my eyes. The day before, my eyes would change shade and she would know. My poor boyfriend hasn't caught onto they yet. If he doesn't tell by the bathroom trash, it's my temper. Bless his soul for dealing with me.

  2. Hi, dear Rachel! This is my first comment as a new follower. I can see why Janie Junebug loves you so much. :) This is a hilarious piece written about a serious subject. As I read it I burst out laughing many times.

    During our courtship Mrs. Shady #1 had a rough time with her period every month. I remember her being incapacitated for days at a time and applying heating pads to her back and stomach. The problem all but vanished once she started taking birth control pills.

    Once again, Rachel, I applaud you for composing a very humorous and entertaining post on this topic. Have a great week, my new friend!

    1. Hello, new friend! Thank you for your kind words! To be honest, I really didn't intend for this to be such a funny post. I was talking to somebody and realized they knew next to nothing about this topic, despite having older sisters. It just sort of wrote itself.

      I am on a form of birth control but it hasn't helped the pain at all. Several other things have been helped, which I am happy for, but for some reason nothing really helps the pain. I will probably change birth control when this one is done (in two years- it's an IUD) to see if that makes a difference though.

      I hope you enjoy my posts and come back again! Not all of my posts are funny, but not all of them are serious either. I am extremely blunt and sarcastic though!

  3. Sounds like you have a rough time with your periods! Mine really aren't that bad. Giving birth (which I did naturally) was a lot harder than any period ever was for me. Maybe you can talk to your doctor and he/she can give you some ideas to help ease your period problems.

    1. While I am impressed that you gave birth naturally, I'm even more convinced that you're crazy now. Nothing to ease the pain? Wow.

      There's not much else that can be done at the moment. They weren't too worried when I talked to them about it. To test for an underlying problem (which my mom is more worried about than anyone else), I would have to pain a ton of money. But the doctor told me that I've been doing pretty much whatever she can suggest.

  4. Childbirth is done naturally is much more difficult than any other time. Perhaps you can consult with your doctor so you can get some solutions to problems in your menstruation.

    1. I never said childbirth wasn't easy. I only pointed out that the pain in birth contractions are the same as in period cramps, though contractions are much more painful than cramps are. It's caused by the same thing though.

      I have talked to my doctor but without being able to have tests for an underlying problem, there's nothing else that can be done at the moment.

  5. I would also like to add, do NOT tell her to calm down. It has the opposite affect 100% of the time. This post was awesomely horrifying and totally on point.

    1. Very good point! Though I have an add on to your add on- It is NEVER okay to say "calm down". Period or not, it will not end well at all!