Sunday, July 19, 2015

How To Survive A Period (for guys and girls)

     This post was inspired by the fact I feel like I'm being murdered from the inside out.

     General Knowledge:
     A period is what happens when a female hasn't gotten pregnant for the last month and her uterus decides that she must be punished. The punishment includes bleeding out of the vagina, cramps, intense hunger or cravings, nausea, headaches, tiredness, moodiness, an aching body (particularly the back), upset stomachs, and probably more. These are honestly just what I go through.

     Periods happen, usually, once a month. Some times birth control or health factors cause that to change. The average girl gets her first period around 10-12 and gets it regularly until the 50's or so (when menopause starts- AKA living hell for everyone involved). Some girls have gotten them as young as five (the youngest pregnant girl ever was five- Google it) and some people don't get menopause until super late. Because nature is fantastic or something.

    Fun Fact:
     Not really fun but I only recently found out that a period cramp is actually a small labor contraction. It's caused by all the girly organs squeezing and saying, "GET THE FUCK OUTTA ME", much like when a baby is born. Only instead of a baby, it's the lining of the uterus. So, basically, you're giving birth to part of an internal organ.

     For Girls:
    Obviously, use something to catch the blood. You can do your own research on that because I'm not a medical professional and there are certain dangers with each thing. However, if you bleed on your clothes or sheets, run it under cold water and add detergent. Let it run and soak until it fades out. Once it fades until there's just no more change in color, wash it regularly in the laundry immediately.

     As soon as I see blood, I take ibruprofen because I have extreme cramps that have incompasitated me before. If I haven't eaten within the past hour, I go eat, to protect the lining of my stomach and my liver. I take the ibruprofen regularly until I stop birthing out my uterin wall.

     Heating pads on the back and stomach help force the body to stop contracting so it relieves pain. The same thing goes for hot drinks, like tea or coffee. The hot drinks can also help with the exhaustion because they usually have caffeine in them. It's super important to remember to drink regular water though or it will eventually damage your kidneys and liver, plus you need to stay hydrated.

     A lot of people say that stretching or exorcising work. It actually makes it worse for me so I tend to spend most of my time in the fetal position, wishing I had been born a man. Meditation does help some, though I lay down when I do it because I also get a lot of back pains so that helps relieve the pressure, instead of sitting up.

     Like basically anything, staying distracted is a huge help. If you can keep your mind of being in pain, you will feel better because the pain won't be the main focus.

     Remembering to breath is a big thing. I end up in so much pain that I just hold my breath automatically. Forcing deep breaths helps prevent you from hyperventilating and can help relax your body some.

     When I get hungry, I eat. I eat right away because my body is as bitchy as I am. If I don't eat, I'll feel like puking my guts out and won't be able to eat for several hours. Even if it's not a meal, I get a snack. I won't go anywhere anything with dairy products though because they upset stomachs easily.

      Fun Fact:
     One time, I was so hungry on a period that I ate seven plates of food and kept going back for more until my mom cut me off. She was scared I was going to throw up from eating so much. I never felt sick from eating all that food (though I wouldn't recommend it either).

     For Guys:
     If she wants food, buy her food. Especially if she is craving something. If she gets what she's craving, she will be less likely to scream at you for something stupid.

     If she gets super mad or depressed, understand that she knows she is most likely overreacting but the hormones in her body are making her crazy. Do not call her crazy. You'll have to wait it out and take care of the problem when she's calm.

     If you ask if she's on her period, you deserve whatever she does to you. Full warning: There is a 99% chance it will be violent.

     If she calls you, especially multiple times, answer her. There is a good chance that she's stuck in the bathroom and either needs you to go on an emergency trip to the store or to bring her some new pants from the closet.

     On that note, don't question why there is an extra pair of underwear next to the blood-catcher she has chosen to use. There is a high chance she will not like that.

     Also on that note, if you have to go to the store, go the the fucking store, you stupid cunt. Yeah. I went there. If she's bleeding out of hers, the least you can do is keep her from staining anything and everything she comes into contact with. Don't expect her to buy condoms if you can't buy a box of pads, tampons, or that weird cup thing.

     ^That would be an example of getting angry out of nowhere. I'm not changing it.

     If you want to be taken care of when you're in pain or sick, then you should do the same for her. Yeah, it happens every month, but that doesn't change how horrible it is to go through. We don't just "get used to it" and yes it is "as bad as we say". If you say otherwise, every woman who has ever had a period will form an angry mob with torches and pitchforks and track you down.

     In Conclusion:
     I'm going to go eat a horrible amount of Snickers and probably cry about something that happened 15 years ago, while laying in the fetal position and birthing out part of an organ.

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Big News

     No, I'm not pregnant. But I'm sure that's what 99% of you thought when I announced that I had big news...

     I actually have several big news things!

     The first thing is that my boyfriend and I will be moving apartments, away from horrible Roommate! Our new apartment will be a one bedroom with all new appliances, on the second floor (instead of the third that we currently live on).

     The move in date is set at the end of August and I'm beyond excited, but that leads me to my next news.

     Also in August, I will be taking my first vacation since moving out! I'll be going to see my grandparents in Texas, right before the moving date. I haven't seen them in six years so I'm pretty excited about it, though I will probably not be online much at all while there (but will get pictures to share).

     On my final big news, that is actually child related... I'm going to be a Godmother!

     I, for uncontrollable reasons I don't care to discuss, wasn't able to get to know my dad's sisters as I was growing up. They recently came back into my life and for the first time, I have aunts as a part of my life and it makes me beyond happy. One of those aunts is expecting her third child in roughly a month and she's already asked if I would accept the honor of being Godmother (with full legal paperwork and everything).

     I said yes and promptly spent all of my money, sending my unborn Godson as many gifts as I could think of.

     For about two weeks, I was tagged in a new photo on Facebook every day with her thanking me for all the stuff I sent. Then I ran out of spending money and decided that I should probably pay rent and also eat food so I stopped sending stuff...for now. I still have carts full of stuff ready to be paid for online to send. It could actually be a problem. Somebody set up an intervention.

     So, what's going on in your lives?

     Also, I need a super cool nickname for my Godson here. Because as much as I love saying "my Godson", I want it to be a more unique name in case (if I am so blessed) I were to be given that honor a second time.