Thursday, August 30, 2012

WTF Is This Shit?

     I have been waiting to write this post since like Saturday night, but I had to write a super long post about stuff that is so crazy I can't make it up. Well, this is also too crazy to make up, but I have real proof. I took screenshots (and a couple pictures that I uploaded from my phone after I texted them to Wolfie because seriously, what the fuck is this shit that I stumbled upon?)

     Every couples days (sometimes every day), I, like most people who write a blog, go to the statistics page to see what post is popular, how many page views I have, where are ya'll finding my blog from, and what keywords have brought people to my blog. Sometimes it's a little funny, what keywords are used, but I honestly don't even have that many considering how long I've had this blog (which, granted, compared to most of you isn't long at all but that isn't my point).

     Earlier this week, I was checking on the stats and got pretty excited because somebody had found my blog using some search words. I like seeing search words because it lets me know what you guys what to see. Even though it's my blog and I'll post what I want to, I like to be able to include stuff that people might actually want to hear about (this is your subtle hint to tell me what you guys might want to hear more or or something entirely random you think I should post about). To be able to include that, I have to know it, so the search words help with that.

     But this... Where do I even begin...? I guess I'll start with the picture that I sent to Wolfie when I first opened the stats page and discovered what was waiting for me.

    Oh. Well. I just looked and it appears that I accidentally deleted that picture but my computer is laggy so I'm not going back to edit everything that I've written so far.

     Moving on... What it read when I saw it was, "boring wife sleeps and wants to fuck". Feel free to read that as many times as you need to since that is so completely random.

     Since I don't have the picture, I'm going to copy/paste the conversation I was having with Brother on Skype at the same time I was texting Wolfie. Actually, I told Brother first because my hands were shaking too much to try to text on an iPhone because I was freaking out that much

Rachel: I just literally almost screamed.... or shrieked...
Rachel: Entry Pageviews
paper towel restroom ladies 68
towel dispenser 85
towel dispenser women
boring wife sleeps and wants to fuck
Brother: LOL
Rachel: I CAN'T EVEN
Rachel: HOW THE
Rachel: NO
Rachel: JUST NO
Rachel: So much confusion
Brother: yeah, idk man
Rachel: It's funny but it's also so what the shit
Brother: even by, like, a porn standard, that doesnt make any fucking sense
Rachel: lol
Rachel: But like
Rachel: If it was porn
Rachel: Somebody was looking for it
Rachel: On my blog
Brother: .... you mean this isn't from google?
Brother: wow
Brother: I don't even
Rachel: No
Rachel: Its from google
Rachel: But
Rachel: They found my blog?
Rachel: I'm almost certain I've never talked about sleeping wives and fucking
Brother: boring sleeping wives
Rachel: Right, sorry
Rachel: Oh
Rachel: My
Rachel: Gosh
Rachel: Search it on Google
Rachel: Just do it
Brother: it's all porn
Rachel: Not all. Third from the bottom. The "I'm So Fucking Bored" post.
Brother: oh... I think I have safe search off
Rachel: lol
Rachel: Nice to know somebody was looking for porn when they found my site
Rachel: Not sorry to disappoint them but whatever
Brother: I wonder if they stuck around

     As you can see, I was freaking out a little bit. Until now, I'm pretty positive the word "porn" has never even been in my blog. I'm also almost certain I have never mentioned sex in any way on here. Why? Because I don't fucking talk about it! I'm the type of person who doesn't even get sex jokes. You can ask Sissi, Brother, Sis, Wolfie, Momma, and basically everyone else I know. I literally have to stop and think about it and there's a decent chance I still won't get it.

     And yet, somebody looking for porn found my blog.

     The post that they found was about how bored I was because I hadn't worked in a long time so all I had to do was sit on my ass and post a bunch of random pictures including oddly shaped food, random shit from the mall, random shit from other places, and a crap load of license plates. Don't believe that the post was innocent? Check it out right here. The I'm So Fucking Bored post.

     That is what was found in their search for porn. My guess is that they didn't stick around long, but who knows, they might be reading this right now. (Hello random person who was looking for porn and found my blog. I'm sorry, but the only porn related thing here is ironically, that there is nothing porn related.)

     Now, it is time for proof. As always, click to enlarge the picture so you can actually see it.

A screenshot of every search word used to find my blog, as of abest 45 minutes ago.

     As you probably guessed by my conversation with Brother, I Googled the same thing that person did. Why? Because I wanted to see what post could possibly have some vague reference to make somebody thing there would be porn on my blog and just how many pages did they have to go through to find my blog.

The first half of the screenshots of the Google screen.

The second half of the screenshots of the Google screen.

A picture I sent to Wolfie in a text, which I didn't delete, but for some reason deleted the other one.
     As Wolfie pointed out, "It's right under something about a brother raping his sister." Which, again, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Seriously. I don't even know. I can't even comprehend this, okay? It's like when I try to do math, nothing makes any fucking sense.

     Then, to top all of this off, I found something on the stats page of the blog I share with Mercedes. Since I'm always shamelessly self-promoting that blog, you can check it out here. It has a bunch of recipes and random shit and will eventually have other stuff but we each only post once a week and she's been unable to post recently.

There is no way to express how much this pissed me off.
     I'm not mad that somebody found my blog looking for porn. Honestly, I don't even care if you watch it or look at it or whatever the correct phrase is. It doesn't concern me and it's none of my business. You can (probably) make your own choices and I don't give a fuck what your opinion is on it because I just don't care.

     What I do care about though, is that somebody found our blog that was looking for child porn. Unless that person was a twelve year old kid, I can't even express to you how much I would like to physically harm the person who typed those words in. And, if that was a twelve year old looking for it, why the fuck do you even know what porn in? You're too young for that shit. Go play outside and be a kid while you're a kid.

     There honestly aren't even words for how angry this makes me. I haven't even told Mercedes yet and I'm honestly scared to, because she's got two little girls. Those are children. If you want to look at them in a situation like that, get your motherfucking head checked and stay the fuck off my blog. Pedophiles are only welcome in prison. Not my blog.

P.S. I wonder how many people are going to find this post from how many times I said "porn". Which is pretty ironic considering the point is to say that there is no porn here. 

P.S. #2 I dropped a lot of f-bombs and said "sex" a couple times too. That will probably make my page views go higher too.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

I Can't Make This Up

     No, really, I'm not creative to make up all the shit that happened Saturday. I wish I were, but I don't think ya'll are even going to believe me. I should have gotten more evidence pictures but a lot of it happened so fast, that I didn't even think about it until after the fact. I did think about tweeting about it though, so that's all the evidence I really have. You're just going to have to take my word for it because, really, I can't make up shit like this.

     It actually started Friday night/Saturday morning. Sis was having issues so Brother and I stayed up to talk to her. Well, I stayed up. Brother is an insomniac so his sleeping schedule is even worse than mine so he was going to be awake anyways. But we took care of the issue and then I was like, "Well shit. It's 4:30 in the morning and I have to be up at 9:00. I'm so smart."

It really was 4:30, not 3:30. I don't know why the times are off.

     Then when I woke up, it was about 8:50. Thursday night, I had a dream that my dad took me back to a science museum that some guy who looked like Voldemort worked at because he had to pick something up. Friday night, I dreamed that I went to the gas station to buy a giant bottle of water and then I lost it. So I woke up ten minutes early, to find that Momma wasn't even near ready so I ended up staying in bed (but not getting to sleep) for about an hour. So we were late even though I was up early.

It was 10:53, not 9:53. I wrote it while I was waiting on my hair to dry some.

     I got up and brushed my teeth. I took a shower. I cleaned up the bathroom after my shower. I put a the stuff I was given into my hair and it ended up really fucking big and curly (think 1980's). I did my make up. You probably stopped reading. And we had to find a place to put The Stud Dog because he has a habit of pissing every where when I leave him and that's gross.

     We ended up calling somebody and dropping the puppy off at his house. That's right; the dog needs a babysitter. Kind of pathetic but he wants constant human contact. When he was a little baby, he got deathly ill and was hand fed for a few weeks until he was healthy again, but nobody let him out of their sight so he freaks out without somebody there.

     Then we got in the car and while I was painting my nails (hey, she was driving, not me), I noticed that the car was yellow from pollen. So I was like, "Hey Momma, the car is yellow. We should probably go the the car wash." Nothing exciting happened at the car wash, except that I had a pretty good question.

     "How and when do they clean the cloth things that hit your car? Do they just change them out or expect the soap and water from the car wash to just keep them clean? Wouldn't it get moldy if they did that?"

     Momma didn't have an answer and could only hope that they cleaned them, but Jan Brady was all sparkly and clean afterwards so I guess it doesn't matter. Then I started using the GPS on my phone to figure out how to get to the Apple Store because her phone hasn't been working properly (she took an entirely different route than the three suggested).

     While sitting at a stop light, Momma suddenly yelled, "LOOK. A BUM." and pointed at a guy sitting on the sidewalk. I looked at him, back at Mom, and then back at him. Then I realized something. "OHMYGOSH HE LOOKS LIKE PAWPAW." While I was freaking out that my dad's dad has an identical twin who appeared to be homeless, Mom dared me to take a picture to prove it to you guys because I didn't think anyone would believe me. But of course, you don't know what Pawpaw looks like to compare it, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

I have never felt so creepy in my life. I didn't even know how to tell you.
     Then we went to the giant outdoor mall that has the Apple Store. It has a fucking carousal and a boat rental place for the damn river around it. That is how big that mall is. It's in "rich folk land", as I call it. Because people who don't have limos with personal drivers can't afford to go shopping there.

     We literally had to park on one end of the mall and walk all the way to the other end. While we were walking, Momma made a references to an incredibly rude and offensive comment that she made earlier (which I can't share because I might get sued) so I kind of smacked at her stomach... but I was laughing because I'm a terrible person.

     So this tiny little old lady who was like half my size walked up to me and said, "Do you need some help?" while looking at my mom... and making a fist at me. She threatened to punch me. A little old lady fucking threatened to punch me. Her old lady friends pulled her away in one direction and Momma and I went in the other direction.

     I was still in disbelief when we got to the Apple Store and we were greeted by a dude at the door who said they didn't have any available appointments until after three, but we couldn't wait around that long. Um, that explains why three managers were gathered around in a little circle and whispering (except when they told him that there was no time for us) to each other instead of helping us out?

Again, it was 1:24 and not 12:24. I need to get the time thingy fixed.
Also, I wrote this at lunch.
     We were both really hungry by that point so we decided that we would go back the way we had come to a nice looking restaurant. It wasn't bistro-y, but it was really nice. But I wasn't the only one in a t-shirt and shorts so it's not like I was the most obvious person in the room.

     A girl came over to take our order and I was like, "Huh, she looks really familiar". Then she said her name and I was like "Oh my gosh, did I go to sixth grade with her? Is that her? What the fuck is happening?" The girl I went to school with (whether it was her or not) fucking HATED me and to this day, I have no idea why.

It was 1:30... And like I said, I sent the other Tweet at lunch too, so that's why it's 6 minutes apart.
     I kept looking over at a table about fifteen feet away because the guy there looked really familiar too, but I could only see him from the side so I couldn't place him. We ordered our food and started eating. I made a joke that since the lemon seeds fell out of the lemon and into my water, I would probably end up swallowing them. Two came through the straw and the third got stuck. The poor waitress kept showing up when I was spitting out the lemon seeds so I wouldn't actually swallow them. Then the guy from the table walked by us and Mom realized something.

It was 1:42 and Mom thought it was a funny Tweet but said it should have been "FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK" and was sad when I explained the limited characters.
     Back when I was still blond (about two/two and a half years ago), we had a neighbor who was fucking obsessed with Momma. He called her all the time. He was always coming over. He kept asking her out and was waaaaaaaay too fucking handsy (and nearly lost his hands a few times because of it). He also made not-so-vague references to hooking up security equipment to spying on her. But without proof, we couldn't call the cops.

     When he moved for his job, he was supposed to have moved out of state. I took a fucking video on my old phone and we watched it over and over and actually celebrated that night because he was gone. Seriously. That is how excited we were that he moved.

     But he was having lunch with some guy (who I think was his boss?) fifteen feet away from us and had yet to notice us. I went to the bathroom and ran back so Mom wouldn't be left alone. While trying to dive into the booth without being noticed, I banged my knee on the table. Everyone except Stalker-Face looked. By some weird miracle.

     While we were eating, Mom's back was facing him but he could have looked and seen me. So I kept my attention focused on him the entire time because I didn't want him to recognize me (even though I've dyed my hair, started wearing different make-up, and am now wearing glasses because I still don't look THAT different). At one point, he randomly spun around to look and I ducked my head so all he could see was black hair (that looked less 80's and much calmer). When I looked up, he was looking away again.

     We asked for the ticket and Mom just threw the money into the thing and handed it to the waitress who may or may not have been the girl who hated my guts seven years ago. She explained, "The money is in there and any change is for you. We're going to run because my old tenant is here and he was kind of my stalker and we don't want to see him."

     Poor girl. I thought she was going to have a stroke or something. She nodded, wished us luck and told us to stay safe. Then we sped-walked away until we were out of sight (while I heard him turning down dessert). We went to the first door we saw but it was for the patio. Everyone in a ten foot radius turned to stare as Mom exclaimed, "Sorry! I told her to use the GPS!" and I was like "CRAP." Then we turned around and ran out of the actual door.

     We ran all the way back across the outdoor mall and didn't even slow down once we got to the parking lot. I kept looking behind us because Momma's hair can easily be recognized by anyone who knows her (and everyone who doesn't- like every fucking hair stylist wants to do her hair for free).

    We got into the car and had to go to Petsmart so that we could get The Stud Dog a new collar. Jan Brady didn't seem to want to handle all the hills and stuff between "rich folk land" and what I realized I also call "rich folk land". So I changed it to "super rich folk land" and "rich folk land" because honestly, people are too broke for that stuff unless you're rich.

     Since we were there, we stopped at Party City and I was like, "HEY. MY PIRATE COSTUME. OF COURSE NOW THEY HAVE IT IN STOCK." before I saw Halloween masks and then I was like, "MOMMA WE SHOULD PUT THOSE ON AND MAKE A VIDEO FOR MY BLOG, OH MY GOSH." Then she made a very valid point. "But how many other people have had their faces in them?" And that was gross so we didn't do it, but I thought about you guys!

     We also stopped at a dress store because I need some dresses for stuff I don't want to go into now because it'll totally depress this post. I found one really cute shirt so I managed to use my cute daughterly charm awesome begging skills to convince Momma to buy it for me since I'm broke. I then went to the fitting room to try the dress on.

     I searched the entire dress but I couldn't find a zipper. It didn't seem stretchy but I decided, "Eh, what the hell? It's nice and we're in a hurry." and just pulled it on over my head, though it was a bit of a struggle. I showed Mom and she agreed that it was appropriate so I closed the door and tried to take it off. Tried.

     After three minutes of failing miserably, I put my shorts on under the dress and had to scream for Mom for several minutes, because she walked away and a bunch of bitches kept getting in her way. The next few minutes happened something like this.

Mom: What?
Mom: -walks into the bathroom stall sized dressing room with me and pulls on it- There's no zipper.
Me: I know that.
Mom: -jerks the dress something like a corset so that I couldn't breath-
Me: Sure.
Mom: -pulls the dress again but it gets stuck-
Mom: -finally gets the dress off of me- Hey, I found the zipper. It's in the seam.
Me: -almost dies just from that-
Mom: -grabs my shirt and pulls it on over my head violently before I can dress myself and then opens the door- Let's go.
Me: -slowly walks out after her- I feel violated.

     After that, we spent fifteen minutes in line because some lady was buying half the store and then went back for more and couldn't decide if she wanted the clothes in a bag or a box. Finally, we were able to leave and started walking back to the car so that we could actually go to Petsmart.

     Two teenage guys walked out of a book store and one of them kept announcing, "I HAVE MONEY. I HAVE MONEY RIGHT NOW. LET'S GO SPEND IT." Honestly, I don't know if he was hitting on his guy friend or trying to subtly do some sort of weird pick-up line thing to me and Momma. She couldn't figure it out either but we went into the parking lot and they went into a different store.

     Finally, we got to Petsmart, just when it started raining. We got inside and I started freaking out over cute animals. Momma even took a few videos of me, but I can't show you guys that. Everyone (except Wolfie) agrees that I was acting like I was on crack because I was so excited about the critters. I also took the most horrible attractive picture ever, with my hair all fucked up and making a face at the camera.

     We ended up going to WalMart next, because we needed bottled water and I wanted to find something that might help my hair better than my color-protect shampoo and I needed conditioner anyways. (For those of you who are curious, I'm trying Dove's Intensive Hair Care or whatever it's called.) On the way into WalMart, some old guy tried to run us over and then waved at me with the biggest grin ever when I glared at him. On the way out of WalMart, some different (creepy) old guy in the line next to us was staring at Mom and trying to strike up a conversation when I grabbed a soda. I whispered to her I would protect her from any pedophiles but he moved to a different line so he may have heard me. Oops.

     We picked up The Stud Dog and discovered he's the only dog we've ever had who doesn't run when he's off the leash. He's also the only dog we've ever had who's mine. Yay me. After that, we went home and I changed into comfy sweatpants because I was tired of being in jean shorts.

5:43 and I was still thinking about Stalker-Face.
     Momma had the remote, as usual, and decided we were going to watch the SyFy channel because Thirteen Ghosts was on and I've only seen it twice and she's only seen it once. It's really violent movie but most horror movies are.

     Then Momma decided to watch SyFy's movie Haunted High which had probably the worst effects ever since it was a brand new movie, but was so fucking violent and gory... I don't like blood and I gagged a couple of times because of it. It was really really violent.

     I was falling asleep when the last movie started, but then my phone didn't shut up, so I wasn't able to fall asleep. Instead, I curled up in a ball and decided to watch the last movie with Momma.

10:21 and I still don't know how I was awake and actually making sense.
     The last movie was called House of Bones. It was also incredibly violent. We were expecting horror movies and although they were all creepy, they were much more violent than anything. And bloody. And gory. And not something you should watch if you don't like that sort of thing. But we should all know, I have no tolerance for horror movies anymore.

12:13 and I was no longer tired... just a little freaked out.
     I didn't go to sleep until like 3:30 in the morning and I was exhausted. And still a little freaked out. I didn't want to go to sleep but I couldn't keep my eyes open any more and passed out. This morning, I woke up to Momma throwing The Little Dog onto my bladder but there haven't been any stalkers, violent or creepy old people, or bloody movies so it's been a good day.

P.S. I know that was a lot of reading, but check out this post about why nursery rhymes are creepy that I'm kinda proud of.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Merry Birthday Brother!

     Well, it is now August 22, which means that today is my Brother's fifteenth birthday. Which means that he is growing up and that soon we'll all be old and shit. I mean, dude, we met six years ago. Now two of us are adults, three of us can drive (soon to be four, since he'll be old enough to get a permit in six months!), and we've just... we're all growed up now.

     But this post isn't to remind Brother that one day we'll be old. No, this is something that Sissi, Sis, and I planned two days ago. Because we totally plan ahead and stuff. We're celebrating our (big) little brother's birthday and what better way to do that then MS Paint drawings and telling the world just how much we love him? Exactly, there isn't a better way.

     Let's start off with a totally random drawing I did like a week ago. Sissi was drawing so she asked us what to draw. Brother suggested to draw him as a giant (because he is) with the rest of us being short (because we're shorter... but Sissi and Sis are actually kinda tall). So since I didn't think she was going to, I did it.

We're drawn in our favorite colors, because I'm fucking creative like that.
     But that's old and he's seen it so we each did something new. (That just kind of fit in with everything.) Sissi did a drawing that's pretty fucking amazing and puts me to shame, especially since she was using a mousepad on a laptop too... so I can't use that as an excuse for my lack of artistic skills anymore.

I'm the one with black hair.
Brother is the dude.
Sissi has the blond-orangeish hair.
Sis has the brown hair.
     This one is so accurate... And it's like a big group hug! Okay, family, the second we're all together, I call for a fucking group hug and making some stranger take our picture. We have to recreate this drawing (even though I'll probably have a different hair color by that point). You hear that Brother? You will be involved in the best fucking group hug ever.

     Sis also did a drawing. She admitted to cheating a little bit on it because she wanted to make it as good as possible for our (giant) baby brother.

Sis, teach me your secrets of drawing a stick person!
     That means my drawing is the only one left. Brother, I'm sorry, I fail so hard at drawing. But nothing is good enough for you (which makes it so damn hard to shop for you, you have no idea) so I kinda just drew this together and had to stick with the "Merry Birthday" idea that Sissi had come up with.

     I was going to draw us like Charlie's Angels, because Brother is Italian and there have been a few times where we've said "the family" instead of "our family". So we joke about being a mafia. But apparently, I don't know how to draw stick people holding guns. That's how I ended up with this instead.

     Just kidding, here you go.

I have the purple face.
Brother is the dude.
Sissi has the blue face.
Sis has the orange face.
If I may say so, I am damn good with photoshop.
     Guys, we are totally recreating that picture too. I know I'm super awesome at putting our faces on things, but we're going to recreate this after our amazingly awesome group hug. Okay? Good.

     Well, Brother, now you've seen all the fantastic artwork that we've done for you, so it's time to get to the sappy stuff. You know you love it, so don't you dare click the little red X at the top of the page.

     Brother, we just wanted to thank you for always being there for us. You're the youngest but you act like you're the oldest and you always try to take care of us and have our backs, which is a pretty amazing feat with all the shit we get in to. We know that we can always count on our little brother when we need you and that means more than we can say. None of us are blood related but that makes it all the more special, because we choose to be family and you're the best brother we could ever hope for. We love you Brother.

All that sappy shit!

P.S. I still want some of that cake.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Just Proving A Point

     Some of you guys follow my Twitter (@WhenALionSleep - feel free to follow me, I've been using it a lot more lately and always try to reply) and may have noticed me ranting about people telling me I can sing when they have never even heard me and I have valid reasons for not being able to sing. I'm not saying it because I want attention or somebody to tell me I can. I'm not saying it so you'll agree. I'm saying it because I believe it's true and that is my opinion.

     Want to hear me sing? Sure, okay, why not? It's not my ears that could end up bleeding. But don't fucking tell me that I'm such an amazing singer when we have never even listened to music together and you have never heard me fucking sing a single note. Ever. All that does is piss me off and make me think "Wow they think I'm an attention whore" or "lol Okay so that means none of your other compliments are true since you're lying about this".

     Anyways, my reason for not being able to sing. I have hearing loss in both ears. When I was six, my left ear drum exploded from an ear infection and I had to have a surgery to put tubes in both my ears. Every six years (when I was six, twelve, and earlier this year at eighteen) I've had bad (double) ear infections. The ones when I was six and twelve were so bad that I would cry from the pain. The one from this year didn't really hurt, but it was not fun. (I wrote about it here and here.) Because of the more recent ear infections, I don't know just how bad my hearing is now, but I really should get that checked.

     The hearing loss I have is more pitch related than anything, even though I have a really hard time hearing really quiet things. There are a lot of pitches (notes) that I can't hear. They sound just like everything within that range to me. When I sing them, they sound right. To everyone else, it couldn't be more off. It also makes my ears very fucking sensitive to high pitches and noises that are too loud. It makes me feel like somebody hit me in the ear with one of those spikey-ball-medieval-weapon-thingys.

     I understand this. I know it means that I'll never be the next big star. I'm okay with this. I'm okay with people being like "Hey, let me hear you sing before I decide for myself." That's all cool with me. What I can't stand is somebody complimenting me when they have never heard me and thus, are lying to me. Because they don't mean it because they've never heard it.

     But since I decided to put this on here, I made a voice recording of myself for you guys, so you can hear me sing. Because I'm almost sure a few of you would wonder what the big deal is and so I can prove a point (by directing people who piss me off to this post haha). A couple things you should remember though. Before you laugh and tell me just how crappy it is, because trust me, I know.

     I refuse to listen to myself sing. Ever. I recorded it with some music from Youtube but it was a pain in the ass to find a good video, so you can hear the original singer in the background (almost like back-up vocals). I don't know how the music/my voice work with volume because, like I said, I won't listen to it. (If I'm on the phone/webcam with somebody who plays it, I'll hang up. If they play it while I'm with them, I'll leave. Not even kidding.) It was like 2 in the morning and I was very sleepy. And there's probably back ground noise because the animals were hyper and I was in front of our loud A/C.

     That's my version of it and you guys wouldn't believe how much of a pain in the ass it was to get it to upload here. I had to copy/paste my little picture on here like a million times because it wouldn't let me just upload an audio file.

     That's the real version of the song. It's called Concrete Angel and it's by Martina McBride, in case anybody was wondering. Yes, I know it's not a happy song. But happy songs are usually upbeat and upbeat means I hear less of the notes than a slower song. Plus, Momma picked it out.

     This is the song Momma first said I should sing. (Only because I was singing it along with the radio.) It's called Get Stoned by Hinder. And while I fucking love this song, there aren't many songs that would be more awkward to sing and post on the internet. And I told her I would tell you guys on her because she totally missed the repeated lines of "Let's go home, get stoned. We could end up making love instead of misery  Let's go home, get stoned. 'Cause the sex is so much better when you're mad at me." until I pointed it out.

     And since I've already gave you a bunch of videos to watch, I'm going to post some videos of an undiscovered star. Yeah, I am totally promoting Ashley's videos. Why? Because she is fucking awesome and one day she's going to be more famous than Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber combined. I'm going to post some of her videos but if you want to check out her Youtube channel, click here.

P.S. Just wanted to add that I'm totally jealous of Ashley's voice and you should either comment on her videos or leave a comment for her here because she loves feedback.

P.S. #2 I also posted her videos so that maybe you'll forgive me for you listening to the recording of me. Maybe it'll bribe you into liking me again. lol

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Conversations #2

     This is the second post of stupid conversations, as the number says. If you want to read the first one (and I suggest you do because I think it's fucking hilarious) then just click here and read that first. (=

About a week before this conversation happened, Sissi told Brother and Sis to send an updated picture because she was going to work on a portrait of our family. Unlike them, I have a shitton of pictures on Facebook. Anyways, since none of us live near each other, we were all shocked to see Sis had whacked her hair from the middle of her back to her chin and how AMAZING it looks. We were also shocked to see Brother's hair was below his armpits and longer than any of us girls' hair. Sissi told him to go get a haircut.
Brother: btw I got a haircut the other day
Rachel: Wow lol
Rachel: And SEND A PIC
Brother: it needs retouching though because it’s still rough, but at least I got one
Rachel: lol How much did you cut?
Brother: it’s a few inches below my adam’s apple now
Brother: so that’s like 6 inches I guess
Rachel: At least it's shorter than my hair
Brother: I’m not an expert in adam’s apple-to-nipple measurements
Rachel: that is ridiculously funny
Brother: lol thanks
Brother: what namborr
Rachel: fuck um lemme check
Brother: and omg I have bags under both of my eyes why am I getting old
Rachel: ### ### ####
Rachel: and lololol me too ._.'
Brother: gross ><
Rachel: That ain't gross compared to most of the stuff Sissi and I say
Brother: really?
Brother: enlighten me
Rachel: Do you want to hear about periods in detail?
Brother: is that it?
Brother: because no
Rachel: No, that's the cleaner stuff.
Brother: anyways I sent the thing
Rachel: Two things: Your hair is very pretty and I'm kinda jealous because your hair is prettier than mine. And thank you for having a shower in the background and not a toilet.
Brother: lolwut
Brother: who takes a picture of themselves next to a toilet
Rachel: Every fucking person on Facebook who uses the bathroom mirror to take pictures
Rachel: **on the internet
Brother: I took a picture normally but had the screen facing the mirror so I knew when to press the button
Brother: it was so ghetto
Rachel: You're such a gangster Brother
Brother: thanks
Rachel: Gangsters don't say thanks
Rachel: You lost your street cred Brother
Brother: I did that last time!
Brother: dang
Rachel: Gangsters don't say dang either Brother
Brother: oh

If you haven't read about my learning what a bistro is, you should do that here or you won't get this conversation at all.
Brother: is it sad that I kind of knew what a bistro was already?
Rachel: Sad for me, yes
Brother: yeah, but I’m also italian
Brother: so idk
Rachel: Was it Italin food I was eating?
Brother: I think so
Brother: Idk, bistro may have multiple cultures, but it definitely sounds like an italian restaurant
Rachel: Well shit. I should have texted you.
Brother: lol
Brother: yeah

Sissi and I have a friend on Facebook, who said "he just couldn't handle it, sometimes" so Sissi commented back "all your swag?". I quickly agreed and added "I don't think anyone can handle that." since he is a pretty awesome dude. He commented back "You ladies cheer me up." so I sent Sissi a message on Skype.
Rachel: oh and apparently, we're ladies
Sissi: uh
Rachel: facebook
Sissi: yeah?
Sissi: haha oh
Rachel: I'm always called a "girl". Not woman. Never lady unless I LOOK like one (by wearing an incredibly modest dress that makes my grandparents happy).
Rachel: So I'm like
Rachel: "hahaha lookie there, we're ladies, bitches"
Sissi: oh, haha
Sissi: idk i get called "lady" all the time o:
Rachel: That's because you ARE a lady haha

Sissi and I were texting about food and she suddenly sent me the most random text.
Rachel: I haaate beans.
Sissi: I hate you
Sissi: Just kidding, Rachel. You're great. I love you.
Rachel: lol I love you too Sissi.
Sissi: There is a piece of chalk outside thats really old and misshapen and covered partially in dirt so it looks like a light periwinkle turd.
Rachel: LMAO I love you omg xD
What really gets me, is that she had to pick up the chalk-shit to draw that.

We were talking about Sis FINALLY getting Skype because she FINALLY got a new computer. Since none of us live near each other, we text and talk on Skype (usually IM) all the time. But Sis has never had Skype, after like three fucking years of us telling her to get it... And this came of me telling Sissi and Brother she agreed.
A little more background... My mom is the assistant manager of a trailer park and before she started working here, it was literally the worst part of town, so there was a lot of bad shit that she had to be around for. Sissi lives on a military base. Her friends recently walked into a school and were arrested even though they didn't actually do anything wrong... just very stupid. No charges were pressed. And no, the cops mentioned didn't actually threaten me. It's a joke.
Rachel: It'll be like when we get to see each other
Rachel: Except with less chance of us getting arrested!
Brother: except all advanced
Brother: or
Brother: yeah
Brother: that too
Rachel: hahhaha
Sissi: oh........
Sissi: idk my friends are good at getting arrested so they can teach me
Rachel: I've been yelled at by cops
Sissi: i was once taken home by police officers
Sissi: but i was literally one house away and it was like 11:09
Sissi: curfew is 11 on base
Rachel: Shame on you Sissi
Brother: you're an evil child
Rachel: I got yelled at for trying to run to my mom who was at a drug bust
Rachel: They told me to go to the end of the street
Rachel: Or I might get shot
Rachel: Idk if they were threatening me
Rachel: Or warning me
Brother: Lol, I guess we'll never know
Rachel: But I was like "fuck you my mom is over there"
Sissi: probably both
Rachel: And then they made me go back
Brother: I once ran to and hugged the wrong mom at the end of preschool one day
Brother: no police involved
Brother: just me being dumb
At this point, I literally laughed out loud. Mom was watching a crime show and I didn't know and it sounded like I was a psychopath because of the timing. (Mainly telling you because I told Wolfy about that part.)
Rachel: You bad ass Brother
Brother: thanks
Rachel: Wait
Rachel: Gangster
Rachel: Wait
Brother: oh, yeah
Brother: definitely
Rachel: You said thanks
Rachel: Damnit Brother
Rachel: Why don't you learn?
Brother: darn!

Monday, August 13, 2012

An Open Letter To The Lady Who Did My Hair (Part Two)

Dear Bitch Hair-Dresser I Wrote An Open Letter To Before,
     Hello again! I hope you read my first letter, but in case you didn't, I'm going to briefly remind you of what you did but you can read the detailed version here. When Shorty took me to your salon, I asked you to give me black, purple, and bright red highlights, as well as layers. Instead, you dyed my hair black (for fifteen minutes longer than it even needed) and gave me red and purple chunks that you called highlights, which all washed out within a week. Not only that, but my hair began thinning drastically.

     Now that we're all up to date, I'm going to tell you what it's like to go to get your hair fixed after somebody messes it up so horribly. First of all, I believe it was kids day at JC Penny's because there were about fifteen kids just when we got there. That made it very noisy, after I was barely even to wake up in time to make the morning appointment.

     The lady who did my hair is named Debby. A couple of years ago, I dyed my hair bleach blond with one blue streak in it. However, that dye washed out into a toilet water blue, so she bleached it out and fixed my hair. She remembered us and proved it by telling us a story that happened with my old cat.

     Now, let me give you the before picture. This is not before you did my hair, Bitch Hair-Dresser. This is before Debby did my hair. Let's see how many different colors we can count, shall we?

Circled in red, is gray hair that I didn't know existed until I saw the picture.
I am fucking eighteen years old and I nearly cried because I was given GRAY hair.
     See? That's not a very good job at all. I can still see some black but it was so washed out, that it looked like a depressed unicorn threw up on my head. (...You know, because unicorns are all rainbows and stuff?) That's not a look I enjoy at all.

     After asking what I wanted done, I told her let's just dye it black, so that it will no longer look like poo while I wait for it to recover. She agreed and put in some orchid to the dye, so that it will have a shine and because it is good for my hair. My hair took the color fast, but she was still very careful of making sure as much changed as possible before I rinsed it out. Admittedly, some of it is still dark brown because I could not leave it on any longer.

This is when my roots were being dyed.

I had a lot of roots, considering all of the dye washed out.

This is my left ear (the right has a third piercing, in the cartilage) but also shows all of my hair in the dye.
     Since letting dye sit is rather boring, my mom entertained me while Debby went to fill up her coffee and buy a bag of chips. You see, she had been working all morning, fixing other hair victims (that is her specific job) so she had not yet eaten.

Those are my feet, with my pretty sparkly blue toes.

This makes my feet look big, but they're really not.

That is an accidental picture of the floor.

That took forever for Momma to take, considering everything is mirrors.
     Finally, the dye was able to come off my hair and I waited for it to finally be done so my hair could be pretty again. Debby put several things into my hair, all sorts of good chemicals and conditioners to help my hair heal. Instead of one simple one that you used, Bitch Hair-Dresser, that only make my hair smell pretty.

This is the sink. That is not all of the hair, nor as much as I have been faced with the drain every time I wash my hair.
     I was put under a shower cap with loads of conditioner and brought over to the hair dryer to set while she took care of another client. It was not even because she was booked, but because I needed to have a deep conditioning for that long, or even longer if there was time for it.

     There was a little girl, about eleven or so, who was in there with her family. I know all of them, but I cannot figure out from where. She kept smiling at me and telling me that it was going to look great. Since she was literally right in front of me, I watched her get a hair cut. She was really adorable.

     Next to me, a little boy, about four, tried to act like me by pulling on the hair dryer. His mom pulled out a camera phone and he froze. Then he broke into the biggest grin and yelled "CHEEEEEEEEEEESE" loud enough to be heard under the hair dryer.

     Then the hair dryer proceeded to fall on my head, because I had been sitting under it for so long. The little girl laughed and we sort of played peekaboo. I texted my mom that the hair dryer was trying to eat me and that she should save me. Instead, she took a picture.

It was a very awkward position but Momma never rescued me...
When she tried, it  fell on my head again.
     I was under there for quite some time and since I soon became bored, I began texting people. I started with Momma though, because I had not remembered to ask Debby about the hair cut and she was still considering what would be best for my hair.

Rachel: Ask Debby if getting a haircut would help and tell her I want my layers and bangs trimmed. Since you won't rescue me.
Momma: Yes she will and if you don't taste good it won't eat you
Rachel: She will what? Cut? Trim?
Momma: Shave
Rachel: Tell me dangit
Momma: Trim then shave
Rachel: There will be no shaving of anything except my legs. Which aren't even hairy.
Momma: So does that mean you're going to start braiding your pit hair?
(Okay, firstly, ew. Secondly, where the fuck does she come up with this shit?)
Rachel: Those will be shaved too. But they aren't hairy either.
Momma: I will check
Rachel: Middle finger
Rachel: Double middle finger
Rachel: Too bad kids are here
(See? I'm not that bad of a bad influence to children. I may let them have water gun fights in the house, but I don't let them hear cursing or see anybody getting flipped off... if I can help it.)
Momma: Add that up and it equals triple middle fingers
Rachel: Yep
Momma: Time two equals six
Rachel: You can do the math of a third gradet
Rachel: **grader
Momma: You have the spelling of a third 'gradet' grader
Rachel: That was a typo, my dear unable-to-do-math mother.
Momma: Yeah right and I just did math my dear forgetful daughter
Rachel: How am I forgetful, my dear in-need-of-a-personal-assistant-because-she-can't-remember-crap mother?

     Finally, I was free! She took me back to the sink to rinse my hair, though the main thing she did was moisten it with water and add a different conditioner that would be better to leave in my hair. After that, she towel dried it and cut my hair. I lost three inches, at the very least, off of my hair because of pure dead ends, which I should have no had considering I had a hair cut two months ago. Then, she added chi oil and scrunched it, though she did not use a single other heating product on my hair.

     You see, Bitch Hair-Dresser. I am only allowed to wash my hair every other day. Once a week I have to use a clarifying shampoo. Every time I wash it, I must use conditioner (which I actually already did). I must also use leave-in conditioner and chi oil. I also have to take vitamins/eat healthy foods so that my hair will be healthier. I also have to massage my scalp several times a day to make sure the blood is flowing properly in the follicles. Not only that, but I have to go back in exactly six weeks for anther deep conditioning and so Debby can see how well my hair is doing, as well as trim my hair so I don't have dead ends. To top it all off, I am not allowed to use any sort of heat in my hair at all, unless I absolutely have to look fantastic and even then I can only straighten my bangs.

Do you see how short it is now?

I promise that is not gray. It's the lighting.
Anybody who wants to argue can meet The Big Dog.
     I did receive many compliments from the neighboring people. The dryers were across from the stations, and every seat was filled. As I walked passed, every one I passed was taking turns saying that my hair looked much better and how great it looked on me. I squeaked and had to hide my face because it made me laugh. Then we ran to the bathroom because we (I) had not been allowed to leave and certain bladders felt like they were going to explode and I had blue eyeliner in full-on raccoon mode from all of the water from the sink.

This is my mom's shirt, because she got in the way of the dye.

This is a paper-towel dispenser in the bathroom.

This is the hand air dryer thing in the bathroom.

This is my mom's neck. That is my hair dye.
We have no fucking clue how that happened.
     After that, Momma and I left to go to the food court. You see, after having somebody try to save your hair for three hours and you did not eat breakfast, you tend to get a little hungry. We got pizza and sat down. Just as I was cutting a bite, I saw the little girl from early and she waved. I smiled and went to cut my pizza.

     Bitch Hair-Dresser, this is the only reason I can say I'm happy I had to get my hair done. The only reason. Nothing else is good enough for me to be happy things turned out the way they did.

     The little girl was walking passed me with her family so she turned and wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me from behind. It was so beyond sweet that I don't even know what to do or say. She was adorable and really made me smile. But she was gone before I could hug her back or remember where I know her from.

     After that, I did some birthday shopping for my boyfriend. It mainly consisted of, "Hi cashier, I'm shopping for my boyfriend. Can you help me?..... Yes, he likes rap........ I don't know. I don't know shit about rap....................................... YES. THAT NAME. I RECOGNIZE IT." and then picking out two t-shirts. (Yes, it's okay to mention this.) Unfortunately, I had to tell him what it was because I didn't know the right sizes. So I get to go back to Hot Topic to trade them in. But I did find a few random other things he doesn't know about.

     Then we ran a few errands and went home. Since we were back in the part of town I know and Jan Brady (that's our car) was fixed, I got to drive. I was going about forty miles per hour and saw a guy walking along side the road. When I was about fifty feet away, I moved into the middle lane so I wouldn't be too close. He then walked across the street and I had to slam on my brakes so I would not commit vehicular manslaughter.

     Even though I was dead tired because I sleep all day instead of night and I had literally nearly accidentally almost committed a felony, we had to go out for dinner. Why, you ask, Bitch Hair-Dresser? Oh, because we had spent literally the entire day at the mall fixing your mistake so that we had not discussed dinner and did not have anything defrosting.

     We went to a nice restaurant because it was the first place I thought of. We had a nice waiter who over used the word "ma'am" and got scared when I asked him if I could have a knife. He probably thought I was going to stab him with it because I had bags under my eyes from the lack of sleep that your screw-up costed me, Bitch Hair-Dresser.

This was part of the fondu appetizer.

It was hard enough to give somebody a concussion.

I may be hyperglycemic and had three cups of sweet tea, but I wasn't nearly as hyper as Momma after two glasses of pink lemonade.
     I didn't get to drive home, but I could not have been more happy when we finally got there. I was exhausted. My feet hurt. My head hurt. And yet, I couldn't sit still because I had three cups of sweet tea because I always get unusually thirsty when we go out to eat.

     Now, this all really started because I didn't want to spend $100 to get my hair dyed and cut in JC Penny's. Let's add up everything that it cost because I went to a lady who needs to have her license taken away. $104 for hair treatment and chi oil. 4 hours of my life originally, which messed it up. 4 more hours of my life to fix it. 1 day with only 4 hours sleep. $100 for dinner because we had nothing to eat because of how long it took to start fixing my hair. 10+ years almost spent in prison because I wouldn't have been driving when that dumb bastard tried to cross the road had we not been at the mall. $Unknown for more chi oil, leave-in conditioner, and hair treatment in six weeks. $2 for clarifying shampoo. An unknown amount of stress, time spent trying to fix it, and public embarrassment because of my hair. An incredibly large amount of hair that went down the drain.

Fuck You And I Should Sue You Until You're Homeless But I'll Just Let Your Customers Leave Instead,

Thursday, August 9, 2012

He Gets His Own Post

     I don't really have anything to post about, and to be honest, I don't even feel like posting today. I got some news that I'm not ready to share yet, but I will when we know more about what's going on. I asked Momma what I should write and only got "I don't know, I'm not a writer" so that's not very helpful at all.

     So I did what anybody who doesn't let Facebook-people know about their blog would do...

     I turned to Twitter.

     Kianwi suggested "The silliest thing that's happened to you, lately? Your boyfriend? Your favorite recipe?" All of which, are very good topics. However, I am not in a silly mood and I tend to post all of that stuff anyways. As for recipes, Mercedes and I post some here so check them out. So I guess that leaves my boyfriend, huh? I just knew somebody was going to ask about him. (Which is pretty good, but I keep promising to talk about him on here.)

     Okay, um, this is where I have to point out that I don't really know what to say? Honestly, it'd be easier if the questions were more specific.

     As I said before, he'll be known here as Wolfy/Wolf/etc. Mom laughed, so I guess I should explain? When he was in middle school, his room was decorated in wolf stuff, his x-box (I think that's what he said? I don't speak video games) name thingy is that, and yeah... Basically he has an obsession with wolves? But that's okay because it makes him slightly easier to shop for since I can't shop for dudes... And because I really fucking love white tigers? (Actually, he also loves white tigers and I love wolves. So yeah.)

     Do any of you know that I have an obsession with Disney stuff? Maybe? Well, I have an obsession with Disney stuff. We have an agreement that The Lion King is the best Disney movie (I say best movie but I don't know what his favorite movie is?) ever and Balto is pretty fucking awesome too (but I don't think that's a Disney movie?). He's also promised to take me to Disney Land.. World.. Which ever one it is over in California. But here's the awesomely hilarious part... He can name the Disney princesses better than I can (even though he "doesn't like the girly movies). (You know, Aurora, Belle, Ariel, Snow White, and Jasmine? I think Mulan and Pocahontas should be on the list, not Repunzal or Tatianna, but that's not the point.)

     His birthday is in early September and I've been struggling to find something that he would like. I'm going to the mall Saturday (my hair appointment is in the morning!) so hopefully they'll have something he would like. (I already know what he likes, but I'm still open to gift suggestions, guys. I really can't shop for guys. When I remember, my dad basically gets fishing lures. That is how much I fail at shopping for dudes.)

     It doesn't really matter what's happening, he'll find a way to make me smile and laugh. He knows me better than nearly anyone and he's still around and willing to deal with all of the crazy shit that is my life. A shitton of the things we say, involve teasing each other. Basically everything else he says is just plain out sweet. He's even managed to be sweet while teasing me. And he's as much of a smartass as I am, as I have been telling him.

     Okay, there's a lot more I could say, but I don't really know what else to say. I also asked him if he wanted me to say anything and he said I can say whatever I want, but he had to go back to work. So I guess just ask questions if there's anything you want to know?

P.S. I just found out that September 9-15 is National Suicide Prevention Week and September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day, if anyone is interested in doing something on their blog.

P.S. #2 He just said that if you guys have any questions for him, just ask me and I can ask him for you.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Pictures and Shit

     This is another one of those posts where I throw a shitton of pictures together and call it a day. Why, you ask? Because I'm tired and my head hurts and don't want to think and I have a really huge random collection of pictures that I might as well do something with now. I took a video, from when I went to the mall last week when I was birthday shopping for Brother and my boyfriend (who shall, by his request, be known as Wolfy or any variation of that). Unfortunately, I lost that video.

     Basically, it was a guy who had his pants down to his knees and was walking back and forth, shaking his hips. Like, strutting down a catwalk to the extreme type of thing.

     Like last time, I took a page from Misty of Misty's Laws. Weird license plates tend to stand out so I've been collecting pictures. There were about a million in the parking garage at the mall, but it was too dark, so these will have to do.

We couldn't even figure out what this one means... but they're #2?

Sounds like a teen saying "Ack" from pain. It's okay, I understand.

I wasn't aware that my old cat got a car and a driver's license.

Brad? Are you, in fact, #01? How do you know?

Do you make pipes out of sand or...?

Okay, honestly, I fucking love this one so much.

Can you see why?
     Next up, we have a group of pictures that I took at a store that's supposed to have super healthy food but costs a shitton of money. It's where all the snobby rich folks shop so I'm honestly surprised I'm even allowed in there. Like the bistro, but not quite as extreme.

The top one on the left.
It's shaped like a heart.

That is a pig, shaped out of raw meat.
(And bacon, for you Wolfy. =P  )

Red Dog Rub.

Far Out Feather Duster.

Wow-a Chihuahua

Brown Dog Riba-Riba Rub.

This is just a cupcake I got from there.
(Somebody who saw a certain video should recognize it. lol)
     And now, we have a shitton of random pictures that don't really fit a category or have enough to make one, so I'm just going to throw them all together. Well, except for one, but that's because of a story I have that goes with it and is just too awesome.

I don't remember if I put this on here before.
But this thing scared the fucking shit out of me.
My mom had to save me since somebody has yet to protect me from spiders, like he promised.

These are my mom's lighters. (Feel free to lecture her about how smoking is bad and stuff in the comments.)
The Stud Dog stole them all and we found them under the couch.

Ashley from My Fight Inside drew this for me, after deciding I am her kitten so I said she's my turtle.

Ashley also drew this for me and I thought it was pretty bad ass.
Who else things she was bored at work?

Can you find the branch imitating a dead snake?

I saw a rainbow so I parked the car in a parking lot to take a picture.

And while I was taking a better one, which parked in the parking space, some homeless guy tried to call me over to him.

I don't know why I find food shaped like fish all the time. For instance, here and here.

This is the food court in the mall.

Subway, Massage Therapy, Greek Gyros Healthy & Fresh.

The way they set up the signs was great, okay?

Ashley sent me this too.
Momma wants it but Wolfy agrees that that's just gross, okay?

"You took 2 parking places ___ ride!"
I couldn't stop laughing at this.
     And finally, I have a little story for you guys. It involves last year, when I got to go see Sissi. Ironically enough, since half these pictures were taken at/around the mall, we were walking from the mall to somewhere (I don't remember, we went to Target where I got the purse that weighs too much that I mentioned earlier, a sports store that had cute shoes, the movie theater, and like four other places) since everything is on that road.

     We moved off the road and up a small hill, when a truck came down the road. They honked at us (probably Sissi- she's fucking gorgeous, okay?) and she got totally freaked out because she is from a small town where everyone is nice. I'm from all over the place and currently live in a big city where guys who think you're a hooker will honk at you. So I turned around with my hand raised to flip them off, except that I realized it might be her mom and that would be bad. It wasn't her mom but I missed my chance. While in Target, Sissi went to the bathroom and I actually did see her mom and sister, but that's besides the point.

     Soon, we were going somewhere else, and another truck sped passed us and to the stop light at the end of the road. There was a couch in the back of the truck, very similar to a picture that a friend sent me because he thought it was funny.

Like this, only it was a real couch.
     As the truck slowed towards the stop sign, a guy in the back of the truck raised his beer and shouted "EEEEEEEEYYYYYYYY", in a weird sort of salute thing. He has since been known as Couch Guy and any mention of him, causes Sissi and I to laugh our asses off.