Monday, October 21, 2013

Questions #8

     When I was doing the A to Z Challenge in April, I asked my readers for some questions so that I could do a post for Q. I didn't think I would have enough questions so I asked my friend Ashley to send me some. She sent me eight hundred so I decided I would accept the challenge and answer them all (like she also decided) but I would split it up with posts. I'll be continuing from where I left off from the previous post. You can see the rest here.

     (For the record, this post was written when she sent me the list for the Challenge, so not all of the answers are completely up to date.)

     Until October 31st you can send me a link to your blog post about bullying being bad and stuff and I will include it in a thank you post on November 1st. You can see my post here. I'll have a real post right before I move in November. After that, I'll try to get back to posting regularly again. Until the move, I can't promise anything.

     Also, Brother now has a blog. And a name. Go say hi. Click here.

176) Do you love or hate facebook?
     Neither. I use it to keep up with my family who doesn't know how to use a phone but people really piss me off on there.

177) Who was the last person to knock/ring at your door?
     Technically, Mr Fix-It was the last to knock, but the plumber guy came here afterwards. Mom just saw him and met him outside so he never knocked. (Updated- Um... Some guy to pay Mom's rent?)

178) How old were you when you last went trick or treating?
     Twelve. I didn't get shit for candy nor did I see any good Halloween decorations. It was a sad time.

179) Have you ever been bobbing for apples?
     Ew, no. I don't mind sharing drinks or food or whatever, but its a whole different story when you're putting your face in water a bunch of strangers got their spit in.

180) What's your most expensive piece of clothing?
     Probably one of my dresses from Hot Topic.

181) What's the last thing you took a picture of?
     A bunny Mr Fix-It found that I became friends with. We took it to a no kill shelter and it was adopted before we even signed the paperwork to hand it over. Otherwise, screenshots of either my phone or something on my laptop. Not sure. (Updated- Um.. The last picture on my phone is of a party that took up the entire restaurant. I have a video that will be in later though.)

182) What's the last thing you drew a picture of?
     I don't draw. I did color in a Cinderella coloring book though because I was bored. (Updated- I draw on the floor chat at work. I don't remember what the last thing was of.)

183) Have you ever bought anything from ebay?
     Nope. My grandma and uncle used to have a purse business on there though and they gave me a few free purses.

184) What's your favorite smell/scent?
     Hazelnut candles or the Paris perfume from Bath And Body Works.

185) Can you blow bubbles with bubblegum?
     I used to be able to but I'm not sure if I still can. Probably.

186) What was your favorite birthday?
     I wrote about that story here. My tenth birthday when I went horseback riding.

187) Can you curl your tongue?

188) Is your bellybutton an innie or an outie?

189) What would be your dream car?
     I used to like Mustang Convertibles (especially the pretty blue ones) but even if my hair is up, it ends up so messed up that its kind of sad.

190) Are you left or right handed?
     Right. When I was little, I could use both my hands equally, but my teacher forced me to pick which hand to use.

191) What was the last book you read?
     The Night Circus by Eric Morgenstern. I'm not done with it yet. The last book I finished was an Earth Science book for my online school. Not a fun book to read. (Updated- I'm sad I can't update this.)

192) What was the last song you danced to?
     I have no idea.

193) Have you ever owned a yo-yo?
     I owned many yo-yos. I could just never use them.

194) Have you ever been on a pogo stick?
     I want to say that I tried but couldn't. Either that or no. I don't remember.

195) Have you ever been on a space hopper?
     What's a space hopper?

196) Who was the last person to send you a text message?
     My mom. She blew up my phone while I was at Wolfy's and now that her boss is in town, she's blowing up my phone because she's bored. (Updated- Wolfy. He's asking about how the packing is coming along.)

197) Have you ever accidentally injured someone?
     Yeah. Once, I accidentally punched my dad in the nose and then elbowed him in a... sensitive area, the following week. I still laugh about it but it really was all accidental.

198) Are you scared of spiders?

199) Can you down a pint (of anything) in one?
     Never tried and the answer is probably no.

200) Have you ever been banned from a public place?
     Not yet.

201) How much spam email do you tend to get a week?
     About two emails a day on my personal account and about two emails a week on the blog account.

202) If you could learn any language fluently, what would it be?

203) What historical figure would you love to see in 21st century life?
     Anyone who's dreams came true for the better, so that they could see the amazing things they accomplished.

204) As a kid, were you frightened of the monster under the bed or in the cupboard?
     I wasn't ever really scared of monsters. Ghosts and demons on the other hand... I would say mirrors, above all else.

205) Do you like clowns?
     Not really. Some are okay and funny, but all I really remember is being a little kid and my parents taking me to the circus. I didn't like the way the clown I spoke to looked at me. It just gave me the creeps. That's usually what I remember for clowns.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Unity Day 2013

     October is Bullying Awareness Month and October 9th is Unity Day. Last year, I dedicated an entire week from NaBloPoMo to write about different things involving bullying. This year, I'm just going to write one post and it's something that I'm going to do every year on Unity Day. Every year, you're all invited to join in and email me your posts or videos or whatever, so that I can share it with my readers as well. (Well, the three of you that are left since I keep disappearing for a month at a time.)

     I went into the details about how I was bullied last year, so you can click the links below if you would like to see the specifics of it, but this year I just don't have it in me. Writing about the effects is difficult enough, but if you have any questions for me, I will answer them. I just don't currently have the emotional ability to go into the exact details of the events like I did before.

     If you want to see my posts from last year, you can click anywhere here:

     This year, I'm going to talk more about the effects that it can cause. I'm assuming you know what bullying is so I shouldn't really have to explain it. But just in case I have a bully reading this and they don't realize that they're a bully, basically it means that you attack somebody else. It can be done physically, mentally, emotionally, online, offline, by friends, by family, by strangers, by anyone. Nobody deserves it, not somebody who made a mistake and not even the bully themselves.

     I was called stupid, weird, a loser, a geek, too fat, too skinny, a nerd, untalented, etc. People didn't like my hair, my face, my voice, my personality, or just generally my existence to sum it up. If I would have died, I doubt anyone besides my mom and the two or three people I was friends with would have noticed or cared. I was grabbed, shoved against lockers, pushed down stairs, followed around, rumors were spread, secrets were told. People stole stuff from my locker, which we had to pay to replace and I was accused of lying about it by the PE coach, who said I just wanted attention. The list goes on, but you get the idea.

     I literally thank God that all of this happened before everyone in my generation was using the internet, because that only makes it worse. I was damn lucky not to have to deal with that as well when I was in school, but that's one of the biggest places that people are bullied.

     When I was younger, I had such low self-esteem that it was virtually non-existent. None at all, really. I hated what I saw in the mirror and I did everything I could to avoid looking in one. I was never good enough for anyone. All I saw was the person that the bullies wanted me to believe I was. I just turned twenty years old and after getting out of public school when I was thirteen, I still struggle with it. That's seven years and there are days where I still see that girl they wanted me to believe I was, even though I know I will never be that person.

     Most days are better now. I don't hate myself anymore. I'm still learning to find qualities that I really like about myself and I try to think of at least one a day, even if its the same one. For example, I love how honest I am and I love how people ask for my advice. I love how good I am with kids and animals, even though I'm still convinced old people hate me. I really like my eyes and I like my hair. Even three years ago, I wouldn't have said anything on that list. If you asked me what I liked about myself, I would have had to bullshit some answer so that I wouldn't worry whoever asked me, if I thought they cared enough to worry.

     I have trouble sitting with my back to people I don't trust very well, because I'm still worried that somebody else is going to grab or shove me from behind. On that note, I basically don't trust anyone. I have a very short list of people who I trust at all, and an even shorter list of people that I trust fully. On the list of people that I trust fully: My mom, my boyfriend, Sissi, and Brother. That's all.

     I highly doubt I will ever fully get over my trust issues, but I'm still so much better than I was a few years ago. Thirteen year old me didn't trust a single person in the world because I thought that was the only way that I would survive.

     Not that I was sure that I really wanted to survive.

     The bullying put me into such a depression that I seriously considered several things to make it all stop. First, let me explain what depression feels like, for those of you who think it just means you're a little sad. It's so much more than that. It feels like you're drowning in a black hole but nobody even notices. It's hidden behind fake smiles, fake laughs, and the act of looking happy while you feel like you're literally dying from the inside. No matter how fast you run towards anything happy, you can't get to it in time to escape the darkness.

     There comes a point when you reach a breaking point. For some, it's alcohol or drugs. Others use self-harm, such as cutting themselves. Those were my top three options. I thought about it every single day. Literally the only reason that I never did, was because I made a promise to a friend that I wouldn't do what he was, and he checked in on me every single day to make sure I kept that promise. Some people starve themselves or go so far as to break their own bones, because they need to feel anything besides the depression.

     Then there's the final breaking point: suicide.

     That's something else that I thought about. The lowest point I reached was when I was seventeen. I had escaped the bullying from school, but bullies aren't just in school. It seemed like I was never going to get away from it and I was never going to escape the depression that was eating me away. I won't list the ways I considered because I refuse to give anyone any ideas, but there was a pretty long list. To this day, I don't know what pulled me through when I was so willing to die to get away from it all. Faith, maybe? It was the one thing I never gave up on.

     Things have gotten better since that point. I don't cry myself to sleep every night and I don't think about the easiest way to die. I want to live now and I want to keep fighting back, to be the person that I want to be, not be who everyone thinks I am. I don't know if I'll ever fully get over all of the bullying that I went though, but I do know that I refuse to stop fighting back when I know things always get better.

     There are so many people who never had a chance to escape it, until they reached that final breaking point. Amanda Todd is one example. She's still being bullied and she's been dead over a year. Another example is Rebecca Sedwick, who was twelve years old and killed herself just a few weeks ago. Not everyone is lucky enough to survive and even more struggle with lifelong problems- emotional, mental, and physical.

     Trying to lock it all away and never think about it only hurt me, and it will only hurt everyone else who doesn't speak up. Trying to pretend  that it never happened and trying to forget it all just make things worse. The only way that things will get better for anyone is to talk about it. I promise that my next post will be something happier, but this is something that people needs to understand, so that things can get better for those who have been affected by bullying.

**Due to news stories talking about people going overboard, trying to stop bulling, I feel the need to put a disclaimer here. I do NOT encourage, endorse, or support anyone doing anything illegal, harmful, criminal, violent, or dangerous activity. This is about stopping people from being hurt. This is NOT about hurting anyone in any way, shape, or form. Any links involving anyone going over the top and handling things inappropriately will not be posted on my blog, Twitter, or anywhere else by myself. If I find a link that involves anything inappropriate, I will delete it, and if possible, I will report it. Also, I am not an expert on this matter. I have included the links to the sources I got my information from and give full credit to whoever did the actual research, that I am using here.**

Monday, October 7, 2013

Questions #7

     When I was doing the A to Z Challenge in April, I asked my readers for some questions so that I could do a post for Q. I didn't think I would have enough questions so I asked my friend Ashley to send me some. She sent me eight hundred so I decided I would accept the challenge and answer them all (like she also decided) but I would split it up with posts. I'll be continuing from where I left off from the previous post. You can see the other posts by going here.

     (For the record, this post was written when she sent me the list for the Challenge, so not all of the answers are completely up to date.)

150) Can you build a house of cards?
     A really small house, yes.

151) What's your favorite TV ad?
     The ones that they had a few years ago. Before they changed the people that played.

152) Can you play poker?
     No. I can almost play blackjack though.

153) If your parents hated your partner that you're currently loved, would you ditch him or carry on with him despite the protests?
     If they had a valid reason (for example, knowing that he was an abuser) then I would listen to their advice. However, if they didn't have a valid reason, I would carry on with him. They should support my decisions to be with the person I love. If that caused problems, then so be it.

154) Have you ever been professionally photographed?
     When I was a toddler, at school, and when I went to see my uncle's family when I was about eight.

155) Have you ever baked your own cake?
     Yes and it was the best boxed cake ever.

156) What's your favorite fruit pastel color?
     I do not understand this question. I like the color purple though and I like oranges.

157) What traditionally adorns the top of your Christmas tree?
     For a long time, it was an angel that lit up with different colors. When we moved, we only had room for a tiny little tree and all that fits is a red star.

158) What would be your dream sandwich?
     Depends on what kind of mood I'm in. I usually love tuna sandwiches though.

159) Can you impersonate anyone famous?
     I can only impersonate a redneck with a crappy accent.

160) Can you do any accents other than your own?
     Not intentionally.

161) Do you have a strong local accent?
     I have a noticeable Texas-southern accent, but I would only say its strong with it comes to certain words. It gets much stronger when I'm around people with either accent. That tends to bring out that side of it more than usual.

162) What's your favorite accent?

163) In O's and X's, which do you normally pick?
     In Tic-Tac-Toe? For hugs or kisses? I usually pick X's because my O's look fucked up.

164) Do you prefer blue or black inked pens?
     Blue, but given the choice I like purple and red even more.

165) What was the last thing you recorded off TV?
     Invent a time machine so I can go back to being thirteen and find out.

166) What was the last thing you dressed up for as fancy dress?
     It wasn't really fancy, but it was a Christmas party at work. Before then, it was a school dance all the way back in 7th grade, which I only went to because people begged me.

167) Do you prefer green or red grapes?

168) What do you like on your toast?

169) Do you prefer liquid soap or bars of soap?
     Liquid. Bar soaps dry out my skin.

170) How do you have your eggs?
     Usually fried sunny side up, with a little bit of salt on top. If they are anything less than hot (even luke warm), I will not touch them. Cold eggs are disgusting.

171) What's your favorite saying?
     I don't know. I saw a sign that said, "Forget the dog, beware of the owner" that made me laugh.

172) Have you ever been in a tug of war?
     As a tugger and as the rope.

173) And did you win?
     Not when I was the rope. That just ended in sore arms.

174) Can you stand on your hands unassisted?
     I can't even stand on my hands with assistance.

175) What do you have on your fridge door?
     Car magnates about dogs and cats that my mom bought.