Sunday, February 26, 2017

The Week I Called 911








They're blocking the stairs moving in and we needed to unload groceries.

Today's positive thought: Despite this very...hostile week, I actually got back in contact from my best friend when I was a kid. We haven't spoken in seven years and I found out she's been looking for me since August 2015. It's been a good week.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

How To Prepare For A Business Trip

Apparently, my new job requires random business trips to shoes. We were supposed to go to California this weekend, but the weather made it far too dangerous so it's been canceled.

Here's exactly how I got ready for California.
  • Realize it'll be 12-15 hours in the car, depending on traffic, how heavy the trailer is, potty breaks, and weather.
  • Panic because you don't know how you're gonna listen to music without wifi during that time.
  • Download Spotify and pray the free trial won't somehow destroy your data.
  • Realize you have lost your suitcase.
  • Realize you have literally no clean clothes.
  • Remember you own a washing machine and clothes dryer. Well, rent. They belong to the landlord.
  • Spend four hours making a playlist on Spotify to listen to in the car.
  • Remember your boss doesn't like country music and that's half the list.
  • Text your mom to find out what music you like.
  • Your mom questions your sanity and sends all the music she likes because she's super helpful.
  • Get distracted and forget everything because your best friend from childhood made contact after eight years without talking.
  • Cry.
  • Spend the next three days forgetting you're about to leave the state because you're catching up.
  • Remember the trip the day before.
  • Die a little inside.
  • Panic because you don't have time to do anything because you just got called into work.
  • Find out the trip is canceled.
  • Then find out you're going to Denver the following weekend instead and that's an even longer drive.

Today's positive thought: I was reunited with my very best friend from when I was a kid. And I'm so proud of the person she's become.

Also, I can cross off Colorado to places I've been to, as of next week, as well as either Utah or New Mexico, depending on where we drive through.

Tuesday, February 21, 2017


Ever since I was a kid, probably between 6-8, I would get overwhelmed with the feeling of not actually feeling anything.

One second, I would be fine. I would be living life as normal. (Or as normal as it gets for somebody living in an abusive household- thanks Dad.)

Then the next second, I would feel almost like I was dreaming. All of my senses were muted. It was like I was watching myself from far away and unable to do anything, even though I was in full control of my body. 

I didn't have it for years, until about three months ago. I had even forgotten about it.

Then it came out of nowhere during a high stress situation at work. I was fine and then I blinked and realized my coworker had been talking to me, for who knows how long, and I hadn't heard any of it. I couldn't remember when she started talking or if I had responded or what I had been doing before that.

I immediately texted my best friend, the girl known here as Sissi, because she's been my sister for the last ten years. I did what I could to explain it to her and she said that it sounded like disassociation, that I needed to be around things that provided extra feelings so I could feel anything at all. Like being outside in the cold or eating something spicy. 

A customer came in with a dog and I found that I was okay, as long as my hand was on the dog. I have almost no recollection of what happened when I wasn't petting the dog.

I tried my best to explain it to my coworkers, because I knew I needed help. I wasn't functioning properly, which is terrifying, but I was too numb to really feel scared.

Today, I came across this:



There it is. That's the feeling.

That's what I tried to explain for years when I was a child and the feeling Sissi finally gave me a name for just three months ago.

And I wasn't the only person who struggled with this, who thought they were crazy or maybe even dying.




There are probably hundreds of replies now and thousands of retweets.

Positive thought of the day: There will always be people who understand and people who can help you put into words, or art, or music, whatever it is that it seems nobody else understands. I am not alone. You are not alone.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

The Week I Made Lots of Faces



(We saw the LEGI Batman movie. It was so stupid I loved it.)


(My friend and I went shopping for an interview outfit for her. It took four hours.)




Today's positive thought: I get two free trips this month! Both work related, but I'll be able to add three more states to the list of the ones I've been to!

Friday, February 17, 2017

Dear Person That's Struggling

This post is partially inspired by Organized Dysfunction  and partially because I know two wonderful people who are going through horrible times right now. I won't post their situations here but I do ask that you send good thoughts/prayers/vibes/whatever it is you do.

Dear person that's struggling,

I know exactly what it feels like. I may not have gone through exactly what you have but I know what you're feeling. You're feeling hopeless, lost, broken, confused, like the entire world is out to get you and somehow falling apart all at the same time. You can't see the light anymore because you're just drowning in everything bad around you.

I get it. I've been there far more times than I care to count. I know how awful it is.

But you have to keep going.

Think of your mother- Maybe you're close, maybe you're not, maybe she's passed on, or maybe you don't know who she is. But you're her baby. She brought you into this world full of hope for you and I can guarantee when they asked what she wanted, she said, "A healthy baby. We don't care about gender."

Think of your father- Maybe he wasn't around, maybe he wasn't the nicest guy, or maybe he was absolutely wonderful. You're his baby too. You will never fully grow up to him. You're the one to carry on his family and his legacy...or maybe become his legacy.

Think of your children- They will never be able to replace you. They are your babies, they are your legacy. When they think of you, do you want them to think of the strong parent who fought against all odds to give them a happy home? Or do you want to think of you in heartbreak and agony because you're not there anymore?

Think of your friends- Maybe you only have one or maybe you have a hundred. Maybe you talk daily or maybe you've lost touch. Friends are in your life by choice. Friends are a second family, a chosen family, because you chose them and they chose you. Against all the odds, all the people on the planet, you made it into each other's lives and chose to stay.

Think of your pets- Nobody will ever be able to explain to them why you aren't there if you choose to leave them. They are defenseless without you and love you unconditionally.

Think of me- I will never judge you. I will never betray you. I will love you unconditionally, uncontrollably, and without reserve. I've chosen you to be in my family because I love you. Even if I don't know you and we've never spoken, I welcome you in and I love you. Please don't leave me. 

The person you can always turn to

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Where's The Ring?

You know, I've been with my boyfriend since just before I turned 19 years old. I've known him since I was just barely 17. That means I've known him 6.5 years and I've been dating him for 4.5. Thats a long ass time, I think. 

And somehow, I'm not sick of him.

And even more surprisingly, he's not sick of me.

People ask me all the time if (when) we're getting married. All the fucking time. Like anytime I meet somebody new and they find out I have a boyfriend, the automatic question is how long have I been with him and then, "Woah! And no ring!?", there's no ring. It's also not your damn business if there's a ring or not.

I don't need a ring to be happy with him. I don't need paperwork to say he's mine. I don't need "security" of a marriage license so he'll stay.

Because I already have all of that and more. 

If I wasn't happy and had a ring, I would just be unhappy with a ring. Paperwork can legally make him mine, but nothing can make him stay if he doesn't want to. We choose to be together because we want to be, not because of anything else.

And honestly, that's all I need. The thing I want most for us, for anyone in a relationship, is that they feel safe, happy, and loved. I already have that.

If there was a ring? That's cool, but I'd be curious as hell how he knew my ring size when even I don't know that. If there was paperwork? Damnit, I can't even fill out job applications, so I would need 14 people and an instruction manual to help me out.

But all that matters is we're happy. He can still make me laugh, make me happy, make me lose my God damn mind, and make me choose to not murder somebody. It takes a special person to do all that.

And I'm not letting him go.

Now, the next person who asks where my ring is will be dealing with the girl from The Ring, got it?

Today's positive thought: Also, he had no idea I was home so when he came home with food for himself, he gave me half without even thinking. Just to make sure I ate today.

Sunday, February 12, 2017

The Week I Dyed My Hair and Paid My Taxes


(For clarification- my friend picked me up and we watched Finding Dory in her bed, then we had dinner).



(That's hair dye, not blood).

Taxes are paid!
I just really liked my makeup...


Positive thought of the day: I made dinner three times this week, did laundry, paid my taxes, and dyed my hair. I'm pretty happy with that.